Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

Guest blog by John Walters – writer and blogger for Onlinedatingsites.net

The world is changing, and part of the change is a reforming of gender roles. Equality is grinding away at old standards; men are becoming nurses and flight attendants, and similarly women are taking roles that were previously considered too masculine for them to fill. What does this brave new world mean for the dating scene? In order to make themselves appeal to men in the short and long term, woman need to learn to walk the confidence/arrogance tightrope while not relying on masculine archetypes. Confidence is sexy and gender neutral, so here is some advice for being a modern woman and skipping the pitfalls of being newly empowered:

* Obnoxious is not the new pink. A lot of people think they can take a shortcut to confidence (or the illusion thereof) by being incredibly loud, vulgar, drunk, rude etc. Of course this attempt to be bigger than life comes off as desperate and tacky, so don’t drink to the point of embarrassment, don’t be vulgar unless it makes people laugh, and don’t scream unless someone is on fire.

*Love yourself more than you love your partner. While guys probably get more social passes in matters related to the previous category, but it’s way more socially acceptable for women to be co-dependent. That doesn’t mean anyone respects it. A relationship is two strings on a guitar playing in harmony; don’t turn it into two people trying to pretend they are the same string. You’ll be a better person and loved more if you have your own goals and aspirations, and important segments of your life that are segregated completely from your partner.

Read more…

What do you think of when you hear Cleopatra? Do you image a dark haired beauty, queen of sin, an enchantress?  Cleopatra was born in 69 BC and what we know of her was written by several historians – mostly Roman and some with a grudge against her.  From the few accounts that exist, movies and books have been born, adding speculation and fiction to the picture.

Did you know that Cleopatra was not Egyptian, but rather Greek? That she was not the first queen to be named Cleopatra?  In fact she was Cleopatra VII. That she may not have been beautiful in the way we imagine her?  There are few images of her to be found – mostly of coins with her portrait.  Take a look at the coin above – does she meet your definition of beauty?  Is she as beautiful as Angelina Jolie who will play Cleopatra in an upcoming movie?

Last fall, a new biography of Cleopatra was released written by Stacy Schiff.  The book is a fascinating reconstruction of what we know about Cleopatra using the original sources of the day and those written after Cleopatra’s death.  What makes this account different is that Schiff doesn’t take the sources at face value.  She digs deeper.  Typically if Cicero or Plutarch is quoted by biographers or college professors – there is a tone of reverence and absolute acceptance.  Schiff dares question these sources.  She quotes Cicero as “hating” the queen.  Schiff notes that Cicero, a Roman contemporary of Cleopatra’s, had taken a dislike to her – perhaps because she had promised him a book from her famous library in Alexandria and forgot to bring it to him, on one of her trips to Rome.  How might have the story of Cleopatra been different had she written the account and not a Roman who disliked her?

In Schiff’s book Cleopatra, we see a portrait of Cleopatra VII as a powerful queen, a master strategist, a cool pragmatist, a towering intellect, mother of four children, loyal lover of two famous Romans, woman of enormous confidence and daring,a commander of armies. Schiff describes the dichotomy of West and East – the Roman culture – male, war-like, judgemental, and based on fear and the Egyptian society – often ruled by women, rich, sensuous, imbued with the learning and history of the world as collected in the greatest library of its time in Alexandria.  Schiff says  “We still fight the battle of East and West, still lurch as uneasily as did Cicero between indulgence and restraint.  Sex and power continue to combust in spectacular ways.  Female ambition, achievement, authority, trouble us as they did the Romans, for whom Cleopatra was more a monster than a marvel, but undeniably a little of both. Read more…

“Because respondents provide no convincing proof of a companywide discriminatory pay and promotion policy, we have concluded that they have not established the existence of any common question” necessary for a class-action suit, Justice Antonio Scalia said in the 5 to 4 opinion. The Washington Post

The Supreme Court sided with Wal-mart and concluded that there was no official policy of discrimination against women at Wal-mart and so declined to let the gender bias class action suit representing more than a million women – yes 1,000,000 women.  If here is no policy that promotes gender discrimination – then it doesn’t exist?

Despite the facts that things like this were said to women working at Wal-mart:

“Women will never make as much money as men…God made Adam first, and so women would always be second to men.” “If you would wear lower cut shirts…., you would probably get more pay.” [1]  MomsRising.org

Despite the fact that analysis showed patterns of pay discrimination at Wal-mart:

According to a statistical report prepared by Dr. Richard Drogin, a plaintiffs’ expert in the Wal-Mart case, “Women employees at Wal-Mart are concentrated in the lower paying jobs, are paid less than men in the same jobs and are less likely to advance to management positions than men. These gender patterns persist even though women have more seniority, have lower turnover rates, and have higher performance ratings in most jobs.”   MomsRising.Org Read more…

Whenever we deny our need to say “no,” our self-respect diminishes. It is not only our right at certain times to say no – it is our deepest responsibility. For it is a gift to ourselves when we say no to those old habits that dissipate our energy, no to what robs us of inner joy, no to what distracts us from our purpose. And it is a gift to others to say no when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in so doing we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path. Saying no can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need.

                                                    In Search of Balance: Discovering Harmony in a Changing World

Do you say no – ever? a lot? never?  As women, we want to be nurturing, helpful, and accommodating.  But – not being able to say no can also lead to be overloaded, exhausted, and resentful.

Are their times that you would like to say no in your relationships?  Times that you wish you would have said no in an intimate situation – one in which you didn’t really want to be intimate, but felt like you should be or like you led someone to believe that you would have sex with them.

As I look back on my dating life, I can think of times when I said yes -when what I meant was “I don’t really want to, but feel like I established the expectation that I would.”  Or “I was attracted to you, but now it doesn’t feel right – no thanks.”  I wish someone would’ve talked to me about my right, my responsibility to say no, when I didn’t want to have sex.  I was worried about disappointing someone or making them mad. Read more…

Do women feel more guilt than men?   A recent study looks at the difference between how men and women react when work interferes with their family time.  The study found that “women feel 40% more distress than men when family life is frequently interrupted by… electronic devices or other types of contact, despite being under the same amount of work pressure.”   The study suggests that women may unconsciously carry the feeling that their full attention ought to be on their home lives – perhaps left over from images of their mothers devoting themselves to the family, rather than work.  What do you think?  Do you feel guilty when work interrupts you at home or just irritated or just fine?  Is this a case, where it makes sense to look at how men deal with things and see what we can learn?

Read the article at http://www.emailthis.clickability.com/et/emailThis?clickMap=viewThis&etMailToID=1498535353.

Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes.  There’s just too much fraternizing with the enemy. 

~Henry Kissinger

Sometimes working with men feels like a battle and being in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex can feel that way, too.  Women who have sons are often baffled by the creature that they gave birth to, but is so unlike themselves – often louder, rougher, unconcerned with the opinion of others.

But then there are the times when working on a team with men when you see the beauty of having complementary skills and points of view contributing to a joint effort.  Or the times in a relationship where you appreciate the bond that comes from respecting another way of being in the world.

In the launch of the Swagger Movement in the world, there have been several men who took on the project as their own.  They got very excited about it and emailed their women friends and suggested they join us.  Many of the Friends of Swagger are men.  I must admit that I have been surprised by their enthusiasm and support.  Thank you to Marc, Bryan, Willem, Joe and many others.

 I believe that there is hope that we can balance male and female energy in the world.  Have you seen this You Tube video?  A healing message called Dear Woman. 

You can comment below.

<iframe title=”YouTube video player” width=”640″ height=”390″ src=”http://www.youtube.com/embed/K_uRIMUBnvw” frameborder=”0″ allowfullscreen></iframe>