Cole Parker, COO, teaching

If you haven’t heard, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was reinstated and signed into law on March 7^th, just in time for International Women’s Day.  To find out more about the significance of this law, please click here.

So in celebration, we’d like to introduce you to a wonderful organization called Divas In Defense Inc., The company teaches a self-defense system to women and girls across the nation in order to empower them. Divas in Defense is unique in its own right however, because two of its main officers who started the program are actually men! A pair of brothers named Christopher Britto, the President and CEO of the company and Cole Parker, the Vice President and COO, decided to create this inspiring organization three years ago after a female pastor asked Britto to set up some self-defense classes for women enlisted in her church. After discussing the idea with his brother, Britto decided to take the idea a little further.

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Would you like to be able to recognize a controlling and possibly abusive person, before you get too involved with them? Or maybe you just don’t want to waste your time on someone who has completely different values that you do. It can be hard to see a potential partner clearly when you are in the breathless haze of falling in love or lust. Here are some suggestions from the swagger team and some information from experts in the field on how to tell if a new potential partner might be right for you and how to identify someone who might become controlling.

Swagger Screening tool

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Are you in a relationship with someone you love, but feel like you can’t do anything right? Maybe your partner is critical of you or is continually telling you that you are not doing enough for him.  He may try to control which of your friends you see and check on your whereabouts – to make sure you are OK, he says.  He is not violent, so he can’t be abusive – right?

In relationships, particularly between men and women, there are a surprising number of men who seek to control women so that they can better get their needs met. They may intimidate and verbally abuse their partners, without using physical violence, at least at first.

Read more…

Ex-Girlfriend: “You are much nicer than I remember; I like how you’ve changed.”

Ex-Boyfriend: “Thank you, I like the changes I see in you too. You seem happier.”

Ex-Girlfriend: “Yes, I am. What else do you see different in me?”

Ex-Boyfriend: “You have… a Presence.”

More often than not, a woman hates it when an ex-boyfriend…or even a current boyfriend sometimes, is right about something. But in this case, the conversation above was exactly something I needed to hear from this person. Because truth be told, he was right.

Have you ever been in the same room with someone you loved and felt like you weren’t even there? It was a pretty painful experience for me.  There were many times when I didn’t even get a hello.  I tried to work it out with him. But eventually in the end, the calls stopped and in public, I would be surprised if I got a kiss hello or a hug.  So, like repeated punches to the stomach, the emotional knot that developed inside me just wouldn’t release until I finally let go. But before I did, I just wanted to crawl somewhere and disappear whenever he ignored me, especially if it happened when we were in the same room with people who knew we were together. We didn’t even have to have an argument for this to happen. Affection, tickles, cuddling, holding hands…these simple acts of intimacy couples often take for granted. But when it goes missing, you realize just how much it means.

To be fair, this kind of treatment was the result of one those frustrating relationships many people have at some point in their lives. It see-sawed high and low and circled back around on-and-off for almost three years. There were a few sweet lulls of love and happiness during that time, but I pretty much exhausted myself trying to make things work. As time went on, he got bored with me it seemed, so he noticed me less and less. After a while, I got sick of trying so hard to get noticed, so I finally ended it. It shouldn’t have been so hard to be seen in the first place.

But there’s a silver lining to an ending sometimes. And it’s been over five years since we broke up, so the lining shines a little brighter for me now. Much has changed about how I treat myself. Simply put, I love and respect myself more, so I demand higher expectations from myself as well as from others. I’ve become pretty unwavering about this over the years too, because I feel I deserve to be loved just as much as anyone else. If you love and respect me, I’ll return it in spades. But if you don’t, well…there’s the door. So, I guess it seems natural, that my ex would notice a difference in me too. It was like I was a new person to him, because in essence really, I am.

As time passes we can learn quite a bit from our romantic relationships. It’s not always clear to us at first when things end, but in time, that foggy cloud of love and anger can clear up and you see what may have caused the problem. Sometimes it can be the simplest thing as mine was. It boiled down to respect and more self-love… which in turn, could be transferred to others and also back to me. It didn’t matter what I looked like, who I was with in the past and who I will be in the future, how much weight I gain or lose, what I was doing at work or with family, respect needed to take precedence for me, no matter what.

Demanding respect doesn’t always have to be done through words, though sometimes it does. But around 65 percent of communication is non-verbal, and sometimes, the simplest action can set people on the right course. A few months after I started dating my current boyfriend, we were having a peaceful intellectual conversation. But at one point, he didn’t like that I disagreed and inappropriately raised his voice loudly in retaliation, thinking I would cower away. I remember immediately stopping in my tracks. He kept on walking until he realized I was no longer next to him. When he turned and saw the look on my face, he realized the mistake he had made. He also knew that if he didn’t do something soon, I would simply turn around and head home. Fortunately, he walked right back to me, apologized for raising his voice and kissed me. I told him not to do it again and accepted his apology. And just to repeat that, I told him, not asked him. He took my hand after that and more than four years later, he still has it. I realize that some incidents aren’t as peacefully resolved. But more often than not, it’s easier to demand respect than you think, especially if you demand it in the beginning of a relationship and refuse to waver from it.

If someone cares for you, I think they’ll eventually try to understand your needs, even if it doesn’t work out. And when we can understand each other, it’s pretty rewarding. It may not happen right away, but if you stand firm and have patience, it will. And what I’ve also learned so far, is that if they cared for you at all in the past, they may realize what was missing too and apologize for it later. I am lucky enough to say that I was able to get the apology I wanted from my ex-boyfriend, and I accepted that one too.

Like many women I know, it’s sometimes easier for us to treat a man like a god than it is to treat oneself like a goddess. A major problem with my last relationship was that I needed to love and respect myself just as much, if not more-so than him. And now I do. I am fortunate enough to be able to say that I learned my lesson and got out of that situation before I really did disappear behind a self-created curtain of shame. I am also fortunate that my demand for respect has taken me farther in life and I am happier because of it. My ex-boyfriend seemed to gain some insight too, which I believe has made his relationships better as well.

So I am here now body, mind and spirit…and I will no longer be invisible by choice. Because I love me. I respect me. And I will always have a presence.

This post was written by Gina Pujols

Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

Guest blog by John Walters – writer and blogger for Onlinedatingsites.net

The world is changing, and part of the change is a reforming of gender roles. Equality is grinding away at old standards; men are becoming nurses and flight attendants, and similarly women are taking roles that were previously considered too masculine for them to fill. What does this brave new world mean for the dating scene? In order to make themselves appeal to men in the short and long term, woman need to learn to walk the confidence/arrogance tightrope while not relying on masculine archetypes. Confidence is sexy and gender neutral, so here is some advice for being a modern woman and skipping the pitfalls of being newly empowered:

* Obnoxious is not the new pink. A lot of people think they can take a shortcut to confidence (or the illusion thereof) by being incredibly loud, vulgar, drunk, rude etc. Of course this attempt to be bigger than life comes off as desperate and tacky, so don’t drink to the point of embarrassment, don’t be vulgar unless it makes people laugh, and don’t scream unless someone is on fire.

*Love yourself more than you love your partner. While guys probably get more social passes in matters related to the previous category, but it’s way more socially acceptable for women to be co-dependent. That doesn’t mean anyone respects it. A relationship is two strings on a guitar playing in harmony; don’t turn it into two people trying to pretend they are the same string. You’ll be a better person and loved more if you have your own goals and aspirations, and important segments of your life that are segregated completely from your partner.

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What do you think of when you hear Cleopatra? Do you image a dark haired beauty, queen of sin, an enchantress?  Cleopatra was born in 69 BC and what we know of her was written by several historians – mostly Roman and some with a grudge against her.  From the few accounts that exist, movies and books have been born, adding speculation and fiction to the picture.

Did you know that Cleopatra was not Egyptian, but rather Greek? That she was not the first queen to be named Cleopatra?  In fact she was Cleopatra VII. That she may not have been beautiful in the way we imagine her?  There are few images of her to be found – mostly of coins with her portrait.  Take a look at the coin above – does she meet your definition of beauty?  Is she as beautiful as Angelina Jolie who will play Cleopatra in an upcoming movie?

Last fall, a new biography of Cleopatra was released written by Stacy Schiff.  The book is a fascinating reconstruction of what we know about Cleopatra using the original sources of the day and those written after Cleopatra’s death.  What makes this account different is that Schiff doesn’t take the sources at face value.  She digs deeper.  Typically if Cicero or Plutarch is quoted by biographers or college professors – there is a tone of reverence and absolute acceptance.  Schiff dares question these sources.  She quotes Cicero as “hating” the queen.  Schiff notes that Cicero, a Roman contemporary of Cleopatra’s, had taken a dislike to her – perhaps because she had promised him a book from her famous library in Alexandria and forgot to bring it to him, on one of her trips to Rome.  How might have the story of Cleopatra been different had she written the account and not a Roman who disliked her?

In Schiff’s book Cleopatra, we see a portrait of Cleopatra VII as a powerful queen, a master strategist, a cool pragmatist, a towering intellect, mother of four children, loyal lover of two famous Romans, woman of enormous confidence and daring,a commander of armies. Schiff describes the dichotomy of West and East – the Roman culture – male, war-like, judgemental, and based on fear and the Egyptian society – often ruled by women, rich, sensuous, imbued with the learning and history of the world as collected in the greatest library of its time in Alexandria.  Schiff says  “We still fight the battle of East and West, still lurch as uneasily as did Cicero between indulgence and restraint.  Sex and power continue to combust in spectacular ways.  Female ambition, achievement, authority, trouble us as they did the Romans, for whom Cleopatra was more a monster than a marvel, but undeniably a little of both. Read more…

“Because respondents provide no convincing proof of a companywide discriminatory pay and promotion policy, we have concluded that they have not established the existence of any common question” necessary for a class-action suit, Justice Antonio Scalia said in the 5 to 4 opinion. The Washington Post

The Supreme Court sided with Wal-mart and concluded that there was no official policy of discrimination against women at Wal-mart and so declined to let the gender bias class action suit representing more than a million women – yes 1,000,000 women.  If here is no policy that promotes gender discrimination – then it doesn’t exist?

Despite the facts that things like this were said to women working at Wal-mart:

“Women will never make as much money as men…God made Adam first, and so women would always be second to men.” “If you would wear lower cut shirts…., you would probably get more pay.” [1]  MomsRising.org

Despite the fact that analysis showed patterns of pay discrimination at Wal-mart:

According to a statistical report prepared by Dr. Richard Drogin, a plaintiffs’ expert in the Wal-Mart case, “Women employees at Wal-Mart are concentrated in the lower paying jobs, are paid less than men in the same jobs and are less likely to advance to management positions than men. These gender patterns persist even though women have more seniority, have lower turnover rates, and have higher performance ratings in most jobs.”   MomsRising.Org Read more…

Whenever we deny our need to say “no,” our self-respect diminishes. It is not only our right at certain times to say no – it is our deepest responsibility. For it is a gift to ourselves when we say no to those old habits that dissipate our energy, no to what robs us of inner joy, no to what distracts us from our purpose. And it is a gift to others to say no when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in so doing we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path. Saying no can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need.

                                                    In Search of Balance: Discovering Harmony in a Changing World

Do you say no – ever? a lot? never?  As women, we want to be nurturing, helpful, and accommodating.  But – not being able to say no can also lead to be overloaded, exhausted, and resentful.

Are their times that you would like to say no in your relationships?  Times that you wish you would have said no in an intimate situation – one in which you didn’t really want to be intimate, but felt like you should be or like you led someone to believe that you would have sex with them.

As I look back on my dating life, I can think of times when I said yes -when what I meant was “I don’t really want to, but feel like I established the expectation that I would.”  Or “I was attracted to you, but now it doesn’t feel right – no thanks.”  I wish someone would’ve talked to me about my right, my responsibility to say no, when I didn’t want to have sex.  I was worried about disappointing someone or making them mad. Read more…

Do women feel more guilt than men?   A recent study looks at the difference between how men and women react when work interferes with their family time.  The study found that “women feel 40% more distress than men when family life is frequently interrupted by… electronic devices or other types of contact, despite being under the same amount of work pressure.”   The study suggests that women may unconsciously carry the feeling that their full attention ought to be on their home lives – perhaps left over from images of their mothers devoting themselves to the family, rather than work.  What do you think?  Do you feel guilty when work interrupts you at home or just irritated or just fine?  Is this a case, where it makes sense to look at how men deal with things and see what we can learn?

Read the article at http://www.emailthis.clickability.com/et/emailThis?clickMap=viewThis&etMailToID=1498535353.