Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

If you have trouble saying no – maybe you would like some help!  We all struggle at times to say no – especially to friends, relatives, or good causes.  What helps you say no?  For me, it helps to think of some ideas in advance and even practice saying them.  I try to imagine myself saying things like “It is such a great project and I wish I could help, but I can’t right now.”  I see myself saying such things with grace and ease and in a way that does not destroy the relationship or eliminate future possibilities.

A friend of mine is working on not saying yes – when she means no.  I think that this is a great spiritual and personal growth quest.  It is the ultimate kindness to ourselves to only put our energy where we want to, where we can be most productive – not necessarily where other people think we should be putting our time and resources.  As we align our time and money with our values, I believe we become more intentional, more productive, and happier.  We experience less guilt, more confidence, and step more solidly onto our own path.

Take a look at this link for more ideas on honest ways to say no.

http://glo.msn.com/relationships/no-can-do-1533109.story?gt1=49006

In the Swagger community, we’ve been discussing why it can be difficult for women to say “no” in situations where, by societal pressures, we feel obligated to say “yes.”  We also talked about why Disney Princesses are getting stronger, and yet maintain the unattainable symbols of beauty and success our children cannot possibly attain.  Much as I appreciate Disney’s latest attempt to make its princesses appear to be self-sufficient andstronger, I was a bit shocked when viewing the latest of Disney’s princess movies, Rapunzel.

My girls, ages 4 and 6, went to the movie with their Dad, and came home wide-eyed and breathless, as any good child would after seeing aDisney movie.  Immediately, though, I could sense something major happened.  My eldest said, “Mommy – you are not going to believe what happened in the movie!”  My youngest, “Mommy – you would not like what happened in this movie.”  I was amused and thought some dragon had been slayed or some prince spurned.  “Mommy – Flynn Rider cut off Rapunzel’s hair!”

Huh?

I didn’t get to see the movie for a few more months, but gathered from family and friends’ descriptions that Flynn had cut Rapunzel’s hair off for some reason.  When I saw the movie, my feminist alarm started to ding loudly when it came time to view the act.  I don’t want to spoil this for you, so if you haven’t seen the movie, fair warning – the next paragraphs contain spoilers.

Read more…

Whenever we deny our need to say “no,” our self-respect diminishes. It is not only our right at certain times to say no – it is our deepest responsibility. For it is a gift to ourselves when we say no to those old habits that dissipate our energy, no to what robs us of inner joy, no to what distracts us from our purpose. And it is a gift to others to say no when their expectations do not ring true for us, for in so doing we free them to discover more fully the truth of their own path. Saying no can be liberating when it expresses our commitment to take a stand for what we believe we truly need.

                                                    In Search of Balance: Discovering Harmony in a Changing World

Do you say no – ever? a lot? never?  As women, we want to be nurturing, helpful, and accommodating.  But – not being able to say no can also lead to be overloaded, exhausted, and resentful.

Are their times that you would like to say no in your relationships?  Times that you wish you would have said no in an intimate situation – one in which you didn’t really want to be intimate, but felt like you should be or like you led someone to believe that you would have sex with them.

As I look back on my dating life, I can think of times when I said yes -when what I meant was “I don’t really want to, but feel like I established the expectation that I would.”  Or “I was attracted to you, but now it doesn’t feel right – no thanks.”  I wish someone would’ve talked to me about my right, my responsibility to say no, when I didn’t want to have sex.  I was worried about disappointing someone or making them mad. Read more…