What’s Wrong with Me, a new book by Daree Allen for girls and young women has just been released.  Daree is on a blog book tour to let everyone know about the book. The Girl’s Guide to Swagger interviewed Daree on topics like confidence, clothing, and life purpose.  Take a look at Daree’s inspirational thoughts on how to get more confidence and swagger in your life!

1.     Can you tell me about what inspired you to write What’s Wrong with Me?

My life coach encouraged me to get started on the book a few years ago, but the deep need for me to write it came from the lost girl I used to be. I felt so misunderstood, sometimes unloved (although I was loved), I didn’t like myself or the way I looked, and I didn’t get attention I wanted from boys at school or my own father. I didn’t have a mentor to guide me and rely on, and although I became a Christian at age 10, I didn’t fully accept everything about what comes with a relationship with God. So all of these elements had a hand in motivating me to produce What’s Wrong with Me?

2.     What part of the book are you most excited about?

I love bringing up the things that are supposedly taboo, or that people know is present but don’t want to admit (e.g., the proverbial “elephant in the room.” Don’t you know that once you expose something negative, it starts to lose its power?

Specifically, although it’s not exactly “exciting,” one of things I am proud of in this book is the battle I won with depression, as it relates to my daughter and her father. The African American community in particular likes to keep mental health issues on the hush, but I like to tell my story so that others won’t feel ashamed to admit when they’re deeply hurt, nor be afraid to work through their issues.

3.     Who is the target audience for the book? Have you had any initial responses from your readers?

I wrote the book with teen girls in mind, and I have heard from teen girls that read it quickly (couldn’t put it down), and enjoyed it. I’m also hearing a great response from women in their 20s-40s (both mothers and childless women), who also strongly relate and identify with the concepts in the book, especially regarding relationships and self-esteem. I firmly believe that the issues I discuss in the book that are not resolved when you’re young follow you and often cause bigger issues into adulthood.

4.     The Girl’s Guide to Swagger is focused on promoting confidence for girls and women – how does What’s Wrong with Me? deal with confidence?

As an extension of my answer in question 1, I talk about my insecurities as a girl/teen and give advice for how to handle that. For example, I didn’t care for my flat chest and big butt– according to what I saw on TV, my shape was not “in.” An hourglass shape (think Beyonce-Kim Kardashian-Nikki Minaj) was coveted. My hair was very thick and coarse– it wouldn’t stay straight for long even with a perm (relaxer). I talk about acceptance and how to turn those feelings around to consider not what is wrong with you (and who says, anyway?) but rather, what’s RIGHT with you.

5.     How do you think confidence impacts the life experience for girls?

Confidence tells you that you can or can’t do something. Are you sure you can do that? Maybe not, but if you have confidence you’re willing to try, and you don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make it the first time. Make it a practice to affirm yourself no matter what your circumstances look like. Encourage yourself and if you’re not 100% confident about something, it’s ok to “fake it ’til you make it.”

6.     How does the book fit in with your life purpose?

My life purpose–at least in this phase of my life–is to uplift and motivate girls and young women to be their best, to learn from their mistakes, and be empowered. I’ve spoken on motivational and empowerment topics for a long time, but I wanted to add a part of me–the book is partly a memoir–to offer at my speeches or workshops.

7.     You wrote a guest blog for the swagger website called – “If you got it, flaunt it! Not so fast” How do you think clothing reflects a girl’s self-image?

Our clothes say a lot about us. It’s a form of expression even if you don’t mean for it to be. Your personality is not always reflected in the way you dress, but initially people judge you by your appearance–like it or not.

Most of have at least one piece of clothing or jewelry that we feel good wearing, and that’s ok. But you have to recognize whether you NEED to have it to feel good about yourself. This can even be extended to something like wigs. Even though technically they’re not clothing, you do put it on before going outside. Are you trying to impress someone else with what you have on, or do you wear it because YOU like it?

Some girls wear tight clothes to get attention from boys. Some get trendy clothes they see at the mall even if it doesn’t fit or flatter them, just because they like them or “that’s what’s in.” Some wear fashion based on the styles of their favorite celebrities. But everything isn’t for everybody. Whether you shop at K-Mart, Nordstrom’s or somewhere in between, you can keep it classy and not be trashy.

8.     Any advice for the community of women who make up The Girl’s Guide to Swagger?

Females in our society have come a long way, but we have a long way to go. Girls need to see A) that other females in the world and their community are happy and successful with their lives, and B) feel that they too can accomplish anything. Women need to be those examples, but girls need to know that even if they don’t physically see anything like THEIR VISION, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

When you believe you can do something, nothing can stop you except you. But first you’ve got to believe it, then you create a plan, and you have to act on it. Every step of the way may not be smooth, but you will learn and grow because of it. And when you look back, you’ll see your progress. You may get tired, you may want to take a break (I certainly did both with this book!), but once you have your goal in mind, don’t stop until you get there!

Daree Allen is an authorpreneur, young adult esteem advocate, speaker, and goal-getter in Atlanta, GA. She has published articles on a variety of topics as a freelance writer and blogger, and is the author of the new teen mentoring book entitled, “What’s Wrong With Me?” in which she discusses her own childhood dealing with self-esteem, premarital sex, family and personal relationships. Find out more about her work at www.dareesinsights.wordpress.com and www.DareeAllen.com.

Want advice on how to get more swagger?  This is the second in an advice series called Swagger Up.  Our readers submit their questions and one of our panel of experts provides an answer.  This answer on body image is provided by Carmen Cool, psychotherapist and director of Boulder Youth Body Alliance. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Boulder-Youth-Body-Alliance/121124328755?ref=ts

How can swagger be used combat bad body image and eating problems for girls and women today?

I love this question because it points to something beyond “the problem” of body dissatisfaction. It points to solutions. To action. To resilience. To the necessity of saying “I refuse to accept anything less than fully embracing my WHOLE SELF!”

Over and over,what I hear from young women is the importance of knowing that there is another option to hating our bodies. There is another path. It’s not easy to love our bodies, but the effort is so, so worth it! When you look back on your life, will the things you’re the most proud of be the size of your thighs?

Redefine health and beauty for yourself.  Your own body is the best source of wisdom you have for knowing how and what to eat, what kind of movement increases your vibrancy and helps you feel awesome. Negative body image is painful and it affects our well-being, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Think of how much time you’ve spent worrying about how you look. What else could you be doing with that time? One young woman I work with says, “When I’m free from body hatred, I feel more comfortable and I can do anything I put my mind to. Because if I’m not worried about what I look like or what other people think I should look like – then the possibilities are endless!”

Find other girls who are committed to thinking differently about this, who are wanting to reclaim their right to full personhood in their bodies exactly as they are. Refuse to put anyone else down for their physical appearance and take a risk to speak out when you hear it around you. You know, the comments like “she really shouldn’t be wearing that” or “wow she gained weight over the summer”.  And make a commitment to stop putting your own body down.   That’s not to say it’s not ok to feel insecure. We all do. It’s ok to get support in remembering that your body is not the problem. Your body is not the problem. And guess what? It’s ok to say “I love myself”. There is a difference between confidence and conceit, between being self-centered and centered in your self.

“I have a whole new perspective on my body and how it isn’t an enemy that needs to be constantly changed, but a vessel of beauty that I should accept and love and keep as healthy as I can.”  ~ Vanessa, 17 year old.

Note: eating disorders are dangerous and potentially deadly. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, please get help. If you know someone who is, encourage them to do the same.

Do you tell yourself lies?  You are not pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough?  In her new book, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves (New World Libary 2011)  Amy Ahlers lists 59 lies that women tell themselves.  Why lies?  Because according to Amy – we are enough – we don’t even have to prove it.

Ahlers starts the book with what she calls the Mother Lode: Big Fat Lies about your worth.  These are the deep, foundational mistruths that we believe, including I am not enough, I am a total fraud, I am unloveable.  She takes us through each lie – essentially debunking it, showing us how why we might think that way. Sometimes she uses an example of a client or friend to show how the lie operates in real life.  A challenge follows that include ideas on overcoming the lie in your own life.  She closes with an affirmation and a quote.

Other sections include Big Fat Lies about your body, success, money, relationships, being authentic and your spirit.  Not all these lies may resonate with you, but some of them will. For those that don’t seem like your lies, you may be able to think of a friend or co-worker who seems to struggle with this one.  It is often easier to recognize the lies that others are living than the lies we are living ourselves, so this is a helpful perspective.

What is the pay-off for recognizing the lies you tell yourself and freeing yourself from them?  Ahlers says that this process will make it possible to “wake up your inner superstar.”  This superstar is you – but in touch with your inner wisdom and shining brighter in the world – essentially you stepping into your swagger.

After reading this book, I felt like Ahlers was my coach and friend – the one who is there for your when you really need to hear that you are, in fact – beautiful, brillant, and capable of contributing your special talents to the world.

In her description of  three day retreat with the Inner Wisdom Golden Circle, 21 women commited to breakthroughs in their lives,  Ahlers says, “I was astonished by their vulnerability and their bravery in telling the truth about how the ‘I am not enough’ Big Fat Lie has sabotaged them repeatedly.  We ended our weekend together with each woman standing strong in the middle of the circle , where we affirmed for her what she most neede to hear.  The words you are enough were said over and over.  I now invite you into the center of our virtual circle.”

You can watch Ahlers talk about the book on YouTube at http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kvbaOi8RoUU

A correct relationship to your self is primary, for from it flow all possible right relationships with others and the Divine.

Ralph Blum The Book of Runes

Do you respect yourself?  Do you meet your own needs as well as you meet those of your significant other, your children, your boss?  Women often love and nurture those around them, at the expense of their own needs.  As a mother, wife, and employee -I’ve had days where I gave all I had to others and left nothing for myself – no energy, no perspective, and certainly no sense of fun or sense of humor.  Although I thought I was doing the right thing – I wasn’t enjoying my life and I probably wasn’t very pleasant to be around.

One summer, I took a leave of absence from my job and lived alone. I wanted to see who I was, what my body needed, what I liked to eat, how much I needed to sleep – when I wasn’t busy meeting the needs of everyone else.  Many of my guy friends thought that this was a very weird thing to do and told me so.  However, when I described my plan to my girlfriends they said without exception – I wish I could do that or that sounds like heaven.

Turns out I need eight hours of sleep – not the six hours I had been getting.  My body wanted to go to bed at 11 pm and get up between 7 and 8 am.  I figured out that I needed a light breakfast, exercise every day, and time alone.  As I settled into my new life, I began to recover my sense of self – along with my sense of humor, fun, and adventurousness.  I started to write poetry and short stories and I began to dream very vividly. My spiritual self awakened. Read more…

Do you have a light side and a shadow side too?  We all do – but most of us are more comfortable living in the light side or at least pretending to live there. When we disown a part of ourselves, we become fragmented and feel ashamed of the parts we try to keep hidden.  Our confidence and swagger is lessened when we use our energy to try to pretend we are perfect. How can you be your biggest, fullest, most authentic self?

Lisa Bailey, massage therapist, healer, and swagger wise woman offers her thoughts:

We often think about claiming all of our assets in becoming who we are and developing an authentic sense of self. What if we also claimed what we might name as our limitations, without judgement and let that become part of bigness of our authentic self? What if we surrender into the dignity of our limitations? We become more comfortable in our authentic self not only because we claim all of our bigness but we aren’t afraid or ashamed of our smallness. It is a part of the dignity of individuality.

Thank you Lisa for your thoughts and the permission to accept all that we are with compassion and love so that we can become our true authentic selves.