Do you feel frustrated when you see the young women you know struggle with body image? You might have the same struggle – given the constant bombardment of media messages about how you are supposed to look.  You may already know that the pictures of women you see in magazines and on TV are often not real. The images are often enhanced, air brushed, and photo-shopped. So the ideal that we may be striving for is not even real.

Deida Massey decide to do something with her frustrations – she lives by Gandhi’s famous words – “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Deida is the founder of the Chicago non-profit Reel Beauty.  Here is Deida’s story:

Prior to pursuing her dream of being a makeup artist in the beauty, fashion, music and entertainment industry, Deida obtained a Master’s of Jurisprudence from Loyola School of Law in Child and Family Law. While in school, Deida worked as a paralegal for the Cook County Public Guardian’s Office in Chicago, Illinois.During the day she advocated for abused and neglected children as a paralegal, but her love for makeup led her to moonlight as a makeup artist at night and on the weekends. In fact, it didn’t take her long to trade in her cushy, nine-to-five job for a more creative and rewarding career in makeup artistry. She took a courageous leap of faith, left the Windy City and moved to Los Angeles, CA in 2002. In 2004, Deida’s vision to create Reel Beauty manifested while living in LA. She then decided to bridge the gap between her love and passion for makeup artistry and helping young women. Today Deida Massey is the Founder and Executive Director of Reel Beauty, Inc – an organization that assists at risk urban girls. “We teach them to value themselves and empower them with self worth, self-esteem and self confidence so they will be productive citizens within their environment. We do that by offering 10 activity-based workshops designed to help these young women resolve the problems they struggle with day to day.” Deida realized how detrimental the messages in today’s music, culture and media portrayal were. “I wanted to do something to combat all the negativity.”

Reel Beauty has mentored more than 500 girls offering workshops that help build positive self-image and supporting young women as they combat negativity in their lives and work toward their dreams.  Reel Beauty is working on expanding its program to Tanzania.

The Girl’s Guide to Swagger welcomes our newest partner Deida Massey and Reel Beauty.  We salute you for the good work you are doing supporting swagger for girls and for “being the change!”

Reel Beauty, Inc. is a 501 (c)(3) non profit that teaches teen girls ages 11-18 the importance of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. We achieve our mission by offering proven self-esteem workshops that help develop young girls to become productive citizens within their environment.  Our ultimate goal is to become an international force of change. Web site: www.reelbeautyinc.com

What’s Wrong with Me, a new book by Daree Allen for girls and young women has just been released.  Daree is on a blog book tour to let everyone know about the book. The Girl’s Guide to Swagger interviewed Daree on topics like confidence, clothing, and life purpose.  Take a look at Daree’s inspirational thoughts on how to get more confidence and swagger in your life!

1.     Can you tell me about what inspired you to write What’s Wrong with Me?

My life coach encouraged me to get started on the book a few years ago, but the deep need for me to write it came from the lost girl I used to be. I felt so misunderstood, sometimes unloved (although I was loved), I didn’t like myself or the way I looked, and I didn’t get attention I wanted from boys at school or my own father. I didn’t have a mentor to guide me and rely on, and although I became a Christian at age 10, I didn’t fully accept everything about what comes with a relationship with God. So all of these elements had a hand in motivating me to produce What’s Wrong with Me?

2.     What part of the book are you most excited about?

I love bringing up the things that are supposedly taboo, or that people know is present but don’t want to admit (e.g., the proverbial “elephant in the room.” Don’t you know that once you expose something negative, it starts to lose its power?

Specifically, although it’s not exactly “exciting,” one of things I am proud of in this book is the battle I won with depression, as it relates to my daughter and her father. The African American community in particular likes to keep mental health issues on the hush, but I like to tell my story so that others won’t feel ashamed to admit when they’re deeply hurt, nor be afraid to work through their issues.

3.     Who is the target audience for the book? Have you had any initial responses from your readers?

I wrote the book with teen girls in mind, and I have heard from teen girls that read it quickly (couldn’t put it down), and enjoyed it. I’m also hearing a great response from women in their 20s-40s (both mothers and childless women), who also strongly relate and identify with the concepts in the book, especially regarding relationships and self-esteem. I firmly believe that the issues I discuss in the book that are not resolved when you’re young follow you and often cause bigger issues into adulthood.

4.     The Girl’s Guide to Swagger is focused on promoting confidence for girls and women – how does What’s Wrong with Me? deal with confidence?

As an extension of my answer in question 1, I talk about my insecurities as a girl/teen and give advice for how to handle that. For example, I didn’t care for my flat chest and big butt– according to what I saw on TV, my shape was not “in.” An hourglass shape (think Beyonce-Kim Kardashian-Nikki Minaj) was coveted. My hair was very thick and coarse– it wouldn’t stay straight for long even with a perm (relaxer). I talk about acceptance and how to turn those feelings around to consider not what is wrong with you (and who says, anyway?) but rather, what’s RIGHT with you.

5.     How do you think confidence impacts the life experience for girls?

Confidence tells you that you can or can’t do something. Are you sure you can do that? Maybe not, but if you have confidence you’re willing to try, and you don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make it the first time. Make it a practice to affirm yourself no matter what your circumstances look like. Encourage yourself and if you’re not 100% confident about something, it’s ok to “fake it ’til you make it.”

6.     How does the book fit in with your life purpose?

My life purpose–at least in this phase of my life–is to uplift and motivate girls and young women to be their best, to learn from their mistakes, and be empowered. I’ve spoken on motivational and empowerment topics for a long time, but I wanted to add a part of me–the book is partly a memoir–to offer at my speeches or workshops.

7.     You wrote a guest blog for the swagger website called – “If you got it, flaunt it! Not so fast” How do you think clothing reflects a girl’s self-image?

Our clothes say a lot about us. It’s a form of expression even if you don’t mean for it to be. Your personality is not always reflected in the way you dress, but initially people judge you by your appearance–like it or not.

Most of have at least one piece of clothing or jewelry that we feel good wearing, and that’s ok. But you have to recognize whether you NEED to have it to feel good about yourself. This can even be extended to something like wigs. Even though technically they’re not clothing, you do put it on before going outside. Are you trying to impress someone else with what you have on, or do you wear it because YOU like it?

Some girls wear tight clothes to get attention from boys. Some get trendy clothes they see at the mall even if it doesn’t fit or flatter them, just because they like them or “that’s what’s in.” Some wear fashion based on the styles of their favorite celebrities. But everything isn’t for everybody. Whether you shop at K-Mart, Nordstrom’s or somewhere in between, you can keep it classy and not be trashy.

8.     Any advice for the community of women who make up The Girl’s Guide to Swagger?

Females in our society have come a long way, but we have a long way to go. Girls need to see A) that other females in the world and their community are happy and successful with their lives, and B) feel that they too can accomplish anything. Women need to be those examples, but girls need to know that even if they don’t physically see anything like THEIR VISION, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

When you believe you can do something, nothing can stop you except you. But first you’ve got to believe it, then you create a plan, and you have to act on it. Every step of the way may not be smooth, but you will learn and grow because of it. And when you look back, you’ll see your progress. You may get tired, you may want to take a break (I certainly did both with this book!), but once you have your goal in mind, don’t stop until you get there!

Daree Allen is an authorpreneur, young adult esteem advocate, speaker, and goal-getter in Atlanta, GA. She has published articles on a variety of topics as a freelance writer and blogger, and is the author of the new teen mentoring book entitled, “What’s Wrong With Me?” in which she discusses her own childhood dealing with self-esteem, premarital sex, family and personal relationships. Find out more about her work at www.dareesinsights.wordpress.com and www.DareeAllen.com.

Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

Guest blog by author Daree Allen, MS  – on the messages we send with our style of dress.

One of the popular sayings of our culture is, “If you got it, flaunt it!”  I often hear that statement when I point out the way a female is dressed and question it aloud (sometimes a celebrity, sometimes a woman I see when out and about). One of the specific fashion trends that I think we as females should be careful about is writing across our private body parts. Have you ever thought about what message this sends to
others?

Girls, you develop faster in the 21st century than ever before. Older boys and grown men may look at you as grown women, even though your mind has not fully matured to that of a grown woman. Men are stimulated visually, so if you come around them wearing tight jeans that make your butt stick out, or tight t-shirts or thin blouses that accentuate your breasts, where do you think they are going to concentrate their gaze? They won’t be focused on your face, and certainly not on whatever you’re saying to them.

Ladies– those of you who are mothers, mother-figures, aunties, and mentors– we need to show the girls how it’s done. We must model modesty because there are so many girls–and even other women–that are looking up to us. If we go about our daily lives (to church, work, etc.) wearing clothes that are too tight, skirts way above our thighs, and cleavage showing, how can we expect the girls we love and care for be any different?  If you can instill dignity and assertiveness in another female by the way you carry yourself, which includes your mode of dress in flattering, age-appropriate clothing, you can inspire your community and your entire sphere of influence.

I heard of a book entitled, “Girls Gone Mild,” and that’s what we need to be. Don’t use the excuse that all the latest fashions are cut and designed that way, because they’re not. You may just have to look elsewhere and spend your money in stores where the fashion will not objectify the girls they market to. Show your daughters, nieces, cousins, goddaughters, mentees, and neighbors that it’s cool–it’s good!–to dress modestly. It’s one of the first signs of self-respect, and you can do it without saying a word. You get your swag on without showing all your stuff.

Daree Allen is an authorpreneur, young adult esteem advocate, speaker, and goal-getter in Atlanta, GA. Find out more about her work at www.dareesinsights.wordpress.com and www.DareeAllen.com. Kharacter Distinction Books and author Daree Allen will release their first mentoring book for teen girls titled “What’s Wrong With Me?: A Girl’s Book of Lessons Learned, Inspiration  and Advice” this February. In the book, Allen details various stories from her  life and guides girls with lessons and advice for similar situations from family, relationships, friendships and sex–all from a godly perspective.

If the first swagger tool is intuition http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1772 , the second one is centering.  Intuition is developing the ability to listen to the small, still voice inside yourself for wisdom and direction. But how can you hear that voice if you are rushed, off balance, and anxious?

Many times during a day, you might feel off-center – it is bound to happen.  Driving in heavy traffic, deadlines, a crying baby, and complaining spouse can push us off our center and cause us to act from fear, rather than inner wisdom. When we are in fear – we don’t feel our swagger and can lose touch with our self-esteem.

If you find yourself disconnected from your center and your swagger, here are a couple of things you can do:

1.  Get grounded:

* feel the ground under your feet

*feel your connection to the solid and nurturing earth

*take a deep breath.

2. Get centered:

*take a few deep breaths

*you can close your eyes or keep them opened – whatever keeps you most connected to the world

*feel into your length, feel your spine stretching and expanding – notice what you feel inside yourself – strain, pain, worry?

*feel into your width – feel the edges of your body, allow your awareness to expand out beyond yourself – what do you notice? Sometime I feel a tug at my back – like my angel wings emerging.

*feel your past – at your back is everything that has come before and brought you to this place – what do you see?

*look ahead – what is coming, what are you excited about, what is inviting you to the future?

I like to think of this poem by Hafiz:

The God Who Only Knows Four Words

Every

Child

Has known God,

Not the God of names,

Not the God of don’ts,

Not the God who ever does

Anything weird,

But the God who only knows four words

And keeps repeating them, saying:

“Come dance with Me.”

Come

Dance.                                                     -Hafiz

With thanks to somatic coach and wise woman extraordinaire Renee Gregorio and Strozzi Somatics http://www.strozziinstitute.com/about/history+and+mission.

What do you think of our culture’s narrow definition of beauty – you can never be tall enough or blond enough or thin enough? This definition excludes most of the world’s women, yet many suffer their whole lives trying to achieve an unrealistic body image.

Only 2% of the women on the planet consider themselves beautiful and the other 98% of us feel unattractive. Who created this unrealistic and unnatural definition of beauty?

Did you know that people over time and across cultures have recognized healthy, vibrant, and wide-hipped women as beautiful and desirable?

The current false image of beauty hurts women. By starving ourselves to be thin, many girls and women damage their bodies and become too thin, suffering from anorexia and bulimia.  We might undergo dangerous surgery to enhance our breasts, reduce our hips, or erase our wrinkles. Poor self-esteem can cause us to hold back, be quiet, not express our needs or our true voice.  If we don’t speak with our true voice – there is no one else to do it – we are unique and have a talent to give the world.  If we hold back, the talent and the gift is lost.

Poet slam champion Olivia Romo takes on the culture that makes us hate our bodies. When she recites her woman empowering poem – she gets angry and righteously so.  She says “I object to this objectification.” So do I – how about you?

Her solution is to draw on the strength of the women around us and the women of history.  She calls on the power of farm worker organizers, suffrage rights fighters, and queens and “contacts the women before us,” to help support our struggle to increase our confidence and swagger. Here is her invitation to us: “Ladies, listen to me! We can change this cycle and join forces with the moon.”

Watch Olivia recite her powerful poem on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0gS0ovQXiQ&feature=channel_video_title.

Warning: this poem contains righteous anger and adult themes and languages.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T0gS0ovQXiQ&feature=channel_video_title

A correct relationship to your self is primary, for from it flow all possible right relationships with others and the Divine.

Ralph Blum The Book of Runes

Do you respect yourself?  Do you meet your own needs as well as you meet those of your significant other, your children, your boss?  Women often love and nurture those around them, at the expense of their own needs.  As a mother, wife, and employee -I’ve had days where I gave all I had to others and left nothing for myself – no energy, no perspective, and certainly no sense of fun or sense of humor.  Although I thought I was doing the right thing – I wasn’t enjoying my life and I probably wasn’t very pleasant to be around.

One summer, I took a leave of absence from my job and lived alone. I wanted to see who I was, what my body needed, what I liked to eat, how much I needed to sleep – when I wasn’t busy meeting the needs of everyone else.  Many of my guy friends thought that this was a very weird thing to do and told me so.  However, when I described my plan to my girlfriends they said without exception – I wish I could do that or that sounds like heaven.

Turns out I need eight hours of sleep – not the six hours I had been getting.  My body wanted to go to bed at 11 pm and get up between 7 and 8 am.  I figured out that I needed a light breakfast, exercise every day, and time alone.  As I settled into my new life, I began to recover my sense of self – along with my sense of humor, fun, and adventurousness.  I started to write poetry and short stories and I began to dream very vividly. My spiritual self awakened. Read more…

Today September 23rd, 2011 is a worldwide day of awareness for self-worth in girls and women, sponsored by the Priceless Picture Project. Recognizing that many girls and women experience feelings of low self-esteem, the Priceless Project is committed to spreading the message that we are all priceless.

How is your self-esteem?  Do you stand up for your point of view at work and for your needs in your relationship? The more you are aware of your own needs and seek to get them met, the more your confidence will grow.  You become a role model for your friends, co-workers, daughters, and nieces.  Your growing self-esteem lifts all those around you.

Today, take one action to stand up for yourself.  Then take another action to help lift the spirits and feeling of self-worth of someone else. Think about why you are priceless. You can join the Priceless Picture Project by taking a picture of yourself and submitting it to: http://pricelessproject.com/i_am_priceless_project.html.

Join The I Am Priceless Picture Project let the world know women and girls are beautiful and priceless. Learn more click here and please spread the word.  The Girl’s Guide to Swagger is a proud partner of the Priceless Project.  Look for founder Cindy Brown on the Priceless home page!

Do you have a light side and a shadow side too?  We all do – but most of us are more comfortable living in the light side or at least pretending to live there. When we disown a part of ourselves, we become fragmented and feel ashamed of the parts we try to keep hidden.  Our confidence and swagger is lessened when we use our energy to try to pretend we are perfect. How can you be your biggest, fullest, most authentic self?

Lisa Bailey, massage therapist, healer, and swagger wise woman offers her thoughts:

We often think about claiming all of our assets in becoming who we are and developing an authentic sense of self. What if we also claimed what we might name as our limitations, without judgement and let that become part of bigness of our authentic self? What if we surrender into the dignity of our limitations? We become more comfortable in our authentic self not only because we claim all of our bigness but we aren’t afraid or ashamed of our smallness. It is a part of the dignity of individuality.

Thank you Lisa for your thoughts and the permission to accept all that we are with compassion and love so that we can become our true authentic selves.

Were you assigned a role by your family when you were young?  Did and does that role limit who you are and what you can become?  Would you have more confidence and swagger if you rediscovered who you really are and your potential for creativity?

Read about the recovering of grace in How to get swagger Tip #4 – with wisdom by business adviser, author, TV talk show host, astrologer and swagger wise woman Cindy Morris.

I was the baby in a family with three much older siblings. It seems that by the time I came around all the good qualities were already distributed to the other kids. In the distorted view of my family if one person did well at something than another one couldn’t. There was a limited amount of everything to go around –resources, love, creativity, and grace. My older sister was the designated artist and dancer. By the family rules then I could not be.

I grew up under the belief that that I was klutzy, uncreative, and lacking in grace. And so I felt myself to become that  – for until we stand up and claim our right to be exactly who we wish to see ourselves to be, we just become who everyone else tells us we are. At least that’s what happened to me.

In this, my 55th year on the planet, I fell in love with my dance teacher. I went to dance with him every day. I stood behind him and imitated his infinitely graceful moves. My hands became his, my legs his. I tilted my head like his and I twirled across the floor like him. One day as I dared to look in the mirror at myself in dance class I saw my hand suspended in space and it reached to the sky like something in the Sistine chapel. As my heart ignited and burst open with love I let myself be something other than the family story. I became the swan I truly am, loved and touched with grace.

Take a look at everything Cindy does at http://priestessastrology.com/.