On the heels of One Billion Rising, celebrated on the 15th anniversary of V-Day, as one billion women and those who love them rose worldwide to bring awareness to the issues surrounding violence against women, I have been thinking about interpersonal violence in our own country. There appears to be a distinct disconnect between the message we want to send to girls and young women-that they can love and respect themselves and acknowledge that they have needs of their own that come first-and the message they are receiving-that they should look or behave a certain way in order to receive love and acceptance.

So why aren’t girls and women getting the message that they are fine just the way they are? Perhaps those of us trying to send this message are getting drowned out by the sheer volume of socially constructed messages bombarding girls and young women every day. Examples of objectification and violence are thrown in our faces constantly. While the recent charges of rape against high school football players in Steubenville, Ohio–young men who allegedly raped a 16-year-old fellow student last August while other students videotaped the unconscious girl–may seem extreme, we see other seemingly unimaginable stories day after day. Take the story of the “fantasy team draft” created by ninth-grade boys at the elite Landon School in Maryland in 2010, where the boys chose girls, rated them, and planned sexual conquests as part of a competition in which money would eventually be exchanged. Then, there was the violent murder of a University of Virginia lacrosse player by her abusive ex-boyfriend, a former Landon student.

It is no wonder that young women are so confused. If boys today are being sent to prestigious private schools like Landon only to be taught to objectify and debase young women by drafting them to teams with such names as “The Southside Slampigs,” and the punishment for planning sexual conquests is a slap on the wrist and a “boys will be boys” mentality, then the cycle will only continue. The former Landon student who murdered his ex-girlfriend had been seen previously choking her. He had also attacked a male teammate he thought had kissed her, and he became so out of control with a female police officer during a drunken rampage that he had to be tasered. But apparently everyone looked the other way, and through silence, the behavior continued to be condoned.

Guest blog by Roz Brown

On one of our first dates, my soon-to-be husband took me to the Boulder Dinner Theater to see South Pacific.  As the character Emile sang Rodgers and Hammerstein’s intoxicating Some Enchanted Evening, love was in the air. Over the next two decades, often with our daughters in tow, we saw everything from Cats and Hello Dolly, to Singin’ in the Rain and Chicago.

Alas, the enchanted spell of that first evening didn’t last, and 20-years later, like Nellie in South Pacific, I ‘washed that man right out of my hair.’  On the upside, my divorce did nothing to alter my fondness for Boulder’s live theater, so when Rogers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella was recently on the bill, my youngest daughter and I had front row seats.

And so the story of Cinderella begins with her huddled near the fireplace embers–in the cinders–awaiting the next summons from her nasty stepmother and stepsisters.  You know the rest.  She is eventually rescued from her miserable life after a brief but starstruck meeting with Prince Charming.

But as the curtain opened, it was almost immediately clear that this Cinderella was atypical.  Yes, she had the classic, angelic face. And yes, her soaring voice was exquisite. But as she made her way toward the center of the stage to sing her first number, she seemed to be limping, and it was soon obvious that she was disabled.  It turns out the highly successful 20-year old actress, Jenna Bainbridge, lives with partial paralysis in her lower body, an unexplained condition that struck her when she was just 16-months old. Read more…

Have you heard about the movement to keep it real?  Inspired by Julia Bluhm who asked Seventeen Magazine to monthly publish one unaltered picture of a woman a month.  So far, the magazine has said no – even though 83,000 people have signed a petition agreeing with the request sign the petition. Here’s a blog from Balancing Jane with a great summary of the movement click here.

Increasingly, we are all becoming aware that pictures in magazines and other places are digitally altered to make already gorgeous people look more gorgeous. Why?  Watch this hilarious fake commercial that invites you to photoshop yourself so that you can look more perfect, too! Fotoshop

As women, we are sometimes a prisoner of our biology. Our bodies tell us that in order to pro-create, we must be attractive to men. Advertisers are only too happy to grab onto our biological impulses so they can sell us what we need to be attractive to the opposite sex. The more unrealistic the idea of beauty, the more products we need to buy.  Oh!

It is time for girls and women to wake up and see the ridiculousness of what we have been taught is necessary to be attractive. Time to say “enough!” We can value our own uniqueness and the beauty of our bodies without torturing them and we can support other women who are doing the same thing.

As your own personal confidence increases, you’ll find you have less interest in wearing high heels and tight skirts or anything else that makes you uncomfortable.  You’ll care less about beauty products that promise to brighten and beautify you.  Being thin will be out and being healthy, strong, and vibrant will be in. When you are feeling your swagger, you begin to feel beautiful all the time.

Please join The Girl’s Guide to Swagger in Keeping it Real and asking Seventeen and other magazine to start showing real women not fake images of beauty.

This summer the girls at Reel Beauty in Chicago answered the question – what does swagger mean to you?  Their answers are so inspiring – all about being yourself with your own unique style and being happy.  Here is what they had to say:

Swagger is Style. Alize

Swagger is dressing nice, but still being yourself. Brianna

Swagger is being unique and thinking outside the box.  Ami

Swagger is creativity. Jessica

Swagger is the ability to dress appropriately in a way that satisfies you!! Rainee

Swagger is Efficient. Shanell

Swagger is your own style that represents you!!  Mia

Swagger is an expression of your inner ego. Joushlyn

Swagger is being your unique self. Sharmeisha

Swagger means to be yourself happily no matter what people think! Kayla

These girls have healthy self-esteem, thanks in part to the awesome non-profit Reel Beauty started by swagger partner Deida Massey.  Read about the program here, including the great work that Reel Beauty is doing in Tanzania.

Remember Ann Leggett – our first woman of swagger?  Ann has so much swagger that it took two articles to talk about it.  You may have noticed that Ann overcame breast cancer and from the experience learned that most of the skin products we use may have the potential to contribute to cancer and other threats to our health. Being a woman of swagger, Ann didn’t stop there – she turned her fight against breast cancer into a triumph – she and her son Nic are launching a new line of healthy skin care products.  Here is Nic’s letter.  Will you join me in supporting this great new line of healthy products?

Do you feel frustrated when you see the young women you know struggle with body image? You might have the same struggle – given the constant bombardment of media messages about how you are supposed to look.  You may already know that the pictures of women you see in magazines and on TV are often not real. The images are often enhanced, air brushed, and photo-shopped. So the ideal that we may be striving for is not even real.

Deida Massey decide to do something with her frustrations – she lives by Gandhi’s famous words – “You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” Deida is the founder of the Chicago non-profit Reel Beauty.  Here is Deida’s story:

Prior to pursuing her dream of being a makeup artist in the beauty, fashion, music and entertainment industry, Deida obtained a Master’s of Jurisprudence from Loyola School of Law in Child and Family Law. While in school, Deida worked as a paralegal for the Cook County Public Guardian’s Office in Chicago, Illinois.During the day she advocated for abused and neglected children as a paralegal, but her love for makeup led her to moonlight as a makeup artist at night and on the weekends. In fact, it didn’t take her long to trade in her cushy, nine-to-five job for a more creative and rewarding career in makeup artistry. She took a courageous leap of faith, left the Windy City and moved to Los Angeles, CA in 2002. In 2004, Deida’s vision to create Reel Beauty manifested while living in LA. She then decided to bridge the gap between her love and passion for makeup artistry and helping young women. Today Deida Massey is the Founder and Executive Director of Reel Beauty, Inc – an organization that assists at risk urban girls. “We teach them to value themselves and empower them with self worth, self-esteem and self confidence so they will be productive citizens within their environment. We do that by offering 10 activity-based workshops designed to help these young women resolve the problems they struggle with day to day.” Deida realized how detrimental the messages in today’s music, culture and media portrayal were. “I wanted to do something to combat all the negativity.”

Reel Beauty has mentored more than 500 girls offering workshops that help build positive self-image and supporting young women as they combat negativity in their lives and work toward their dreams.  Reel Beauty is working on expanding its program to Tanzania.

The Girl’s Guide to Swagger welcomes our newest partner Deida Massey and Reel Beauty.  We salute you for the good work you are doing supporting swagger for girls and for “being the change!”

Reel Beauty, Inc. is a 501 (c)(3) non profit that teaches teen girls ages 11-18 the importance of self-esteem, self-confidence and self-worth. We achieve our mission by offering proven self-esteem workshops that help develop young girls to become productive citizens within their environment.  Our ultimate goal is to become an international force of change. Web site: www.reelbeautyinc.com

What’s Wrong with Me, a new book by Daree Allen for girls and young women has just been released.  Daree is on a blog book tour to let everyone know about the book. The Girl’s Guide to Swagger interviewed Daree on topics like confidence, clothing, and life purpose.  Take a look at Daree’s inspirational thoughts on how to get more confidence and swagger in your life!

1.     Can you tell me about what inspired you to write What’s Wrong with Me?

My life coach encouraged me to get started on the book a few years ago, but the deep need for me to write it came from the lost girl I used to be. I felt so misunderstood, sometimes unloved (although I was loved), I didn’t like myself or the way I looked, and I didn’t get attention I wanted from boys at school or my own father. I didn’t have a mentor to guide me and rely on, and although I became a Christian at age 10, I didn’t fully accept everything about what comes with a relationship with God. So all of these elements had a hand in motivating me to produce What’s Wrong with Me?

2.     What part of the book are you most excited about?

I love bringing up the things that are supposedly taboo, or that people know is present but don’t want to admit (e.g., the proverbial “elephant in the room.” Don’t you know that once you expose something negative, it starts to lose its power?

Specifically, although it’s not exactly “exciting,” one of things I am proud of in this book is the battle I won with depression, as it relates to my daughter and her father. The African American community in particular likes to keep mental health issues on the hush, but I like to tell my story so that others won’t feel ashamed to admit when they’re deeply hurt, nor be afraid to work through their issues.

3.     Who is the target audience for the book? Have you had any initial responses from your readers?

I wrote the book with teen girls in mind, and I have heard from teen girls that read it quickly (couldn’t put it down), and enjoyed it. I’m also hearing a great response from women in their 20s-40s (both mothers and childless women), who also strongly relate and identify with the concepts in the book, especially regarding relationships and self-esteem. I firmly believe that the issues I discuss in the book that are not resolved when you’re young follow you and often cause bigger issues into adulthood.

4.     The Girl’s Guide to Swagger is focused on promoting confidence for girls and women – how does What’s Wrong with Me? deal with confidence?

As an extension of my answer in question 1, I talk about my insecurities as a girl/teen and give advice for how to handle that. For example, I didn’t care for my flat chest and big butt– according to what I saw on TV, my shape was not “in.” An hourglass shape (think Beyonce-Kim Kardashian-Nikki Minaj) was coveted. My hair was very thick and coarse– it wouldn’t stay straight for long even with a perm (relaxer). I talk about acceptance and how to turn those feelings around to consider not what is wrong with you (and who says, anyway?) but rather, what’s RIGHT with you.

5.     How do you think confidence impacts the life experience for girls?

Confidence tells you that you can or can’t do something. Are you sure you can do that? Maybe not, but if you have confidence you’re willing to try, and you don’t beat yourself up if you don’t make it the first time. Make it a practice to affirm yourself no matter what your circumstances look like. Encourage yourself and if you’re not 100% confident about something, it’s ok to “fake it ’til you make it.”

6.     How does the book fit in with your life purpose?

My life purpose–at least in this phase of my life–is to uplift and motivate girls and young women to be their best, to learn from their mistakes, and be empowered. I’ve spoken on motivational and empowerment topics for a long time, but I wanted to add a part of me–the book is partly a memoir–to offer at my speeches or workshops.

7.     You wrote a guest blog for the swagger website called – “If you got it, flaunt it! Not so fast” How do you think clothing reflects a girl’s self-image?

Our clothes say a lot about us. It’s a form of expression even if you don’t mean for it to be. Your personality is not always reflected in the way you dress, but initially people judge you by your appearance–like it or not.

Most of have at least one piece of clothing or jewelry that we feel good wearing, and that’s ok. But you have to recognize whether you NEED to have it to feel good about yourself. This can even be extended to something like wigs. Even though technically they’re not clothing, you do put it on before going outside. Are you trying to impress someone else with what you have on, or do you wear it because YOU like it?

Some girls wear tight clothes to get attention from boys. Some get trendy clothes they see at the mall even if it doesn’t fit or flatter them, just because they like them or “that’s what’s in.” Some wear fashion based on the styles of their favorite celebrities. But everything isn’t for everybody. Whether you shop at K-Mart, Nordstrom’s or somewhere in between, you can keep it classy and not be trashy.

8.     Any advice for the community of women who make up The Girl’s Guide to Swagger?

Females in our society have come a long way, but we have a long way to go. Girls need to see A) that other females in the world and their community are happy and successful with their lives, and B) feel that they too can accomplish anything. Women need to be those examples, but girls need to know that even if they don’t physically see anything like THEIR VISION, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done.

When you believe you can do something, nothing can stop you except you. But first you’ve got to believe it, then you create a plan, and you have to act on it. Every step of the way may not be smooth, but you will learn and grow because of it. And when you look back, you’ll see your progress. You may get tired, you may want to take a break (I certainly did both with this book!), but once you have your goal in mind, don’t stop until you get there!

Daree Allen is an authorpreneur, young adult esteem advocate, speaker, and goal-getter in Atlanta, GA. She has published articles on a variety of topics as a freelance writer and blogger, and is the author of the new teen mentoring book entitled, “What’s Wrong With Me?” in which she discusses her own childhood dealing with self-esteem, premarital sex, family and personal relationships. Find out more about her work at www.dareesinsights.wordpress.com and www.DareeAllen.com.

There are many who feel that we stand on the verge of massive global change and that women will be at the forefront of that change. Leaders are emerging in many disciplines, including the arts. Painter Kimberly Webber feels compelled by a burning desire to create as much art as she can that depicts the divine feminine. Her inspiration comes from “the voice of the earth herself,” and the hope is that the work personifies mother earth and empowers the viewer. Images and ideas appear to her in dreams or through nature where the feminine archetypes bubble up from the chthonic into consciousness. “They are asking to be heard now,” Kimberly says.

Kimberly started painting as a 3 year old and went on to train formally as a painter including studies in Florence, Italy of traditional Renaissance Masters. After leaving the university, she spent six weeks hiking in Northern California and Southern Oregon on the Pacific Crest trail, which runs from Canada to Mexico.  The redwood forests and ocean in California beckoned her to a different kind of learning.  “I wanted to unravel all of my formal academic training and programming,” she says.

Entering a time of earth-based training; she studied with a female shaman and lived deep in the redwoods.  Feeling gently supported and nourished by the forest, Kimberly hiked regularly in the dark, without a flashlight, exploring the night.  Moving out of her head and into her heart, she says it was a time of quantum growth for her and propelled her to a more sensitive, subtle level of painting.

After a year in the redwoods, a quiet but insistent call led Kimberly to Taos, New Mexico. She packed up her tipi in a pickup truck and moved, without ever having been to Taos.  Within 24 hours, she had a work-trade arrangement at the New Buffalo Bed and Breakfast – in exchange for studio space.  Living in her tipi, she bartered for most of her needs and continued journeying deeper into the heart and rhythms of nature.

Kimberly began painting goddesses – a bird goddess on a pile of skulls, a series of figures submerged in their backgrounds. Her paintings reflect sacred geometry and other underlying natural orders. She uses lapis, mica and gemstones to add an inner luminosity to her work. Her current work in progress features the Crete snake goddess manifested in huge eight feet tall images. Read more…

Want advice on how to get more swagger?  This is the second in an advice series called Swagger Up.  Our readers submit their questions and one of our panel of experts provides an answer.  This answer on body image is provided by Carmen Cool, psychotherapist and director of Boulder Youth Body Alliance. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Boulder-Youth-Body-Alliance/121124328755?ref=ts

How can swagger be used combat bad body image and eating problems for girls and women today?

I love this question because it points to something beyond “the problem” of body dissatisfaction. It points to solutions. To action. To resilience. To the necessity of saying “I refuse to accept anything less than fully embracing my WHOLE SELF!”

Over and over,what I hear from young women is the importance of knowing that there is another option to hating our bodies. There is another path. It’s not easy to love our bodies, but the effort is so, so worth it! When you look back on your life, will the things you’re the most proud of be the size of your thighs?

Redefine health and beauty for yourself.  Your own body is the best source of wisdom you have for knowing how and what to eat, what kind of movement increases your vibrancy and helps you feel awesome. Negative body image is painful and it affects our well-being, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Think of how much time you’ve spent worrying about how you look. What else could you be doing with that time? One young woman I work with says, “When I’m free from body hatred, I feel more comfortable and I can do anything I put my mind to. Because if I’m not worried about what I look like or what other people think I should look like – then the possibilities are endless!”

Find other girls who are committed to thinking differently about this, who are wanting to reclaim their right to full personhood in their bodies exactly as they are. Refuse to put anyone else down for their physical appearance and take a risk to speak out when you hear it around you. You know, the comments like “she really shouldn’t be wearing that” or “wow she gained weight over the summer”.  And make a commitment to stop putting your own body down.   That’s not to say it’s not ok to feel insecure. We all do. It’s ok to get support in remembering that your body is not the problem. Your body is not the problem. And guess what? It’s ok to say “I love myself”. There is a difference between confidence and conceit, between being self-centered and centered in your self.

“I have a whole new perspective on my body and how it isn’t an enemy that needs to be constantly changed, but a vessel of beauty that I should accept and love and keep as healthy as I can.”  ~ Vanessa, 17 year old.

Note: eating disorders are dangerous and potentially deadly. If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, please get help. If you know someone who is, encourage them to do the same.

Guest blog by author Daree Allen, MS  – on the messages we send with our style of dress.

One of the popular sayings of our culture is, “If you got it, flaunt it!”  I often hear that statement when I point out the way a female is dressed and question it aloud (sometimes a celebrity, sometimes a woman I see when out and about). One of the specific fashion trends that I think we as females should be careful about is writing across our private body parts. Have you ever thought about what message this sends to
others?

Girls, you develop faster in the 21st century than ever before. Older boys and grown men may look at you as grown women, even though your mind has not fully matured to that of a grown woman. Men are stimulated visually, so if you come around them wearing tight jeans that make your butt stick out, or tight t-shirts or thin blouses that accentuate your breasts, where do you think they are going to concentrate their gaze? They won’t be focused on your face, and certainly not on whatever you’re saying to them.

Ladies– those of you who are mothers, mother-figures, aunties, and mentors– we need to show the girls how it’s done. We must model modesty because there are so many girls–and even other women–that are looking up to us. If we go about our daily lives (to church, work, etc.) wearing clothes that are too tight, skirts way above our thighs, and cleavage showing, how can we expect the girls we love and care for be any different?  If you can instill dignity and assertiveness in another female by the way you carry yourself, which includes your mode of dress in flattering, age-appropriate clothing, you can inspire your community and your entire sphere of influence.

I heard of a book entitled, “Girls Gone Mild,” and that’s what we need to be. Don’t use the excuse that all the latest fashions are cut and designed that way, because they’re not. You may just have to look elsewhere and spend your money in stores where the fashion will not objectify the girls they market to. Show your daughters, nieces, cousins, goddaughters, mentees, and neighbors that it’s cool–it’s good!–to dress modestly. It’s one of the first signs of self-respect, and you can do it without saying a word. You get your swag on without showing all your stuff.

Daree Allen is an authorpreneur, young adult esteem advocate, speaker, and goal-getter in Atlanta, GA. Find out more about her work at www.dareesinsights.wordpress.com and www.DareeAllen.com. Kharacter Distinction Books and author Daree Allen will release their first mentoring book for teen girls titled “What’s Wrong With Me?: A Girl’s Book of Lessons Learned, Inspiration  and Advice” this February. In the book, Allen details various stories from her  life and guides girls with lessons and advice for similar situations from family, relationships, friendships and sex–all from a godly perspective.