Are you in a healthy relationship?  How can you tell?  That was the topic at the February 22 meeting of the Red Tent Club at Centauras High School.  Cindy from The Girl’s Guide to Swagger joined the meeting to share her ideas on healthy relationships.

Some key points:

In a healthy relationship:

- you are respected; your opinions are valued

-your goals are supported and you have a right to your own feelings, friends, and actions

-communication is open and your voice is heard.

In an unhealthy relationship:

-you may be intimidated or threatened

-your partner may limit your involvement with friends and family and check on what you do and who you see.

The girls of the Red Tent Club all had examples to share of when they had witnessed and been involved in both healthy and not-so-healthy relationships.  We talked about how confidence and swagger can help you feel enough self-esteem to recognize a bad relationship and know you deserve better.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month – did you know that in a recent survey 10% of the adolescents reported being the victim of physical violence from a partner in the previous year? Friends and families can help to recognize the signs that their teen is involved in an unhealthy or violent relationship – take a look at  www.loveisnotabuse.org  for more information.

The girls at Centauras also had stories of where they found their swagger. For some of the girls – sports was the place they felt the most confident – including swimming and boxing. Some of the girls felt best around their close friends who support and love them. For others – books and learning give them the opportunity to be who they are and show what they can do.

The Red Tent Clubs meet at Boulder CO and surrounding community high schools. The girls come to find fun support and maintain confidentiality, so that each person is free to speak honestly.  Every group has an outstanding college age student leader and a teacher sponsor that help to organize meaningful programs. The clubs were started by the Liz Oster and her non-profit Courage is Change – take a look at their great work at http://www.courageischange.org/. You can also view the moving story of their newest partner The TONI Connection at http://t.co/ALgPidqp.

Thanks to BPD Central and Malinda Williams of Community Against Violence of Taos NM for their articles on healthy relationships and dating violence.

Do you get mad? Many of us get the message when we are young that it is not OK to be angry – especially if you are a girl.  As with so many of the lessons that we learn as children, it takes us the rest of our lives to unlearn the lesson and realize that it is OK to get mad – actually, it is essential.

Although I am widely regarded as a woman of swagger, I too, feel like I should be nice and accommodating to others – especially men.  When I was growing up, I needed to accommodate my brother’s often grumpy moods.  My mother reminded me that it was important to do well in school, but that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, because it might intimidate boys.

Recently I found myself in a relationship in which my partner required lots of attention.  I tried and tried to give him the attention he needed. I gradually realized that he was still suffering from lack of love as a child and that no matter how much attention I gave him, it would never be enough – never.  It was amazing to me how long I continued to try to give him everything he needed, even when I knew I couldn’t.

A new puppy in my life proved the factor that caused the final blow up.  My partner resented any attention I gave to the new dog – including getting out of bed to let the dog out to pee. After a particularly hard discussion about the dog that included the hope that the dog might die from Parvo, I said “enough is enough” and hung up the phone.

All that time of trying to be nice and accommodating caught up with me in a single moment and I exploded.  Luckily the most dangerous weapon in my reach was a vacuum cleaner.  I put the puppy out and began vacuumming with all my might.  Soon, I realized I was saying out loud all the things I wanted to say to my partner for the last several months – and I wasn’t using my nicest voice or my most polite language any more.  Soon, my voice was as loud as the vacuum and I could feel myself on the verge of growling. Read more…

Guest blog by John Walters – writer and blogger for Onlinedatingsites.net

The world is changing, and part of the change is a reforming of gender roles. Equality is grinding away at old standards; men are becoming nurses and flight attendants, and similarly women are taking roles that were previously considered too masculine for them to fill. What does this brave new world mean for the dating scene? In order to make themselves appeal to men in the short and long term, woman need to learn to walk the confidence/arrogance tightrope while not relying on masculine archetypes. Confidence is sexy and gender neutral, so here is some advice for being a modern woman and skipping the pitfalls of being newly empowered:

* Obnoxious is not the new pink. A lot of people think they can take a shortcut to confidence (or the illusion thereof) by being incredibly loud, vulgar, drunk, rude etc. Of course this attempt to be bigger than life comes off as desperate and tacky, so don’t drink to the point of embarrassment, don’t be vulgar unless it makes people laugh, and don’t scream unless someone is on fire.

*Love yourself more than you love your partner. While guys probably get more social passes in matters related to the previous category, but it’s way more socially acceptable for women to be co-dependent. That doesn’t mean anyone respects it. A relationship is two strings on a guitar playing in harmony; don’t turn it into two people trying to pretend they are the same string. You’ll be a better person and loved more if you have your own goals and aspirations, and important segments of your life that are segregated completely from your partner.

Read more…