Will you be visiting family during the holiday season? Many of us find that every time we get together with family, we fall into old patterns that are comforting and familiar, but can also be negative and dysfunctional. Do you want this year to be different? If you are feeling your swagger increase lately, you might consider how you can bring it into family settings and shake things up a little bit. I love this story from a woman of swagger, Michelle, who lives in Colorado:

“Typically, when my family gets together, my Dad and older brother dominate the discussion and usually have a football game on TV. Once, I was in a spunky mood and I went in the living room and suggested that everyone should try wearing thong underwear. A hilarious discussion followed. I felt fine with who I was and it felt like there was a shift, a break from the past, a new kind of fun in the family discussions, breaking family habits. I know many strong women who feel stifled by relatives. This event opened up the conversation. It was so fun! Before, I was bored. I need to be authentic with people, even if it means pushing boundaries. After that day, I felt different than I had in my life, willing to say “here I am.”

Think about a typical gathering with your family. Are there things you would like to change? Most of us have relatives who make us feel bad, either intentionally or unintentionally. Perhaps you have an aunt who likes to point out if you have gained a few pounds or a cousin who gets a little too close after drinking a few eggnogs. Are there ways that you can show your confidence, without moving too far out of your comfort zone and others?

I find that if I think about awkward situations in advance and consider how I might deal with them, I am more prepared to respond when the situation actually presents itself. This year I plan to worry less about whether I forgot a hostess gift or said something I shouldn’t have said. Increasingly, I see time with my family as limited and precious and I plan to feel my swagger, eat some fudge, and enjoy every minute of it!

Happy Holidays to you and your family from the Girls Guide to Swagger!

What does it mean to swagger in a relationship? It means that although you love someone, you don’t give up your authentic self. When you swagger, you stay true to your core values and you keep your own power. You don’t give up who you are in order to keep the relationship going.

Many women of swagger find it difficult to be in long term committed relationships, but some manage to do it. Can you tell us about a time you kept your swagger in a relationship, even if that relationship didn’t last forever? We want to understand the best ways to be full of swagger and still get the love and companionship that we want. In the book-in-progress The Girl’s Guide to Swagger, Chapter 5 is about relationships. I have stories about finding the swagger to leave relationships, but I want to also include the ones in which women have kept both their swagger and their intimate relationships.

No matter what the relationship – boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, parent, or other, it can be challenging to continue to be yourself and also have a harmonious connection. I believe it is possible and have experienced times when I was able to say what I wanted simply, directly, and consistently. When I was able to do this, the relationship generally was healthy. When I began to hold back my true feelings and try to be accommodating, that is when the relationship started to become difficult and painful.

What makes it possible for you to maintain your swagger in relationship? Comment here or email us at thegirlsguidetoswagger@gmail.com.

Would you like to be able to recognize a controlling and possibly abusive person, before you get too involved with them? Or maybe you just don’t want to waste your time on someone who has completely different values that you do. It can be hard to see a potential partner clearly when you are in the breathless haze of falling in love or lust. Here are some suggestions from the swagger team and some information from experts in the field on how to tell if a new potential partner might be right for you and how to identify someone who might become controlling.

Swagger Screening tool

Read more…

Are you in a relationship with someone you love, but feel like you can’t do anything right? Maybe your partner is critical of you or is continually telling you that you are not doing enough for him.  He may try to control which of your friends you see and check on your whereabouts – to make sure you are OK, he says.  He is not violent, so he can’t be abusive – right?

In relationships, particularly between men and women, there are a surprising number of men who seek to control women so that they can better get their needs met. They may intimidate and verbally abuse their partners, without using physical violence, at least at first.

Read more…

Why is the stereotype always that women want commitment and men don’t? For most of my life, I’ve found it to be the opposite. I want to have a relationship, but maintain my freedom, while the man often wants more commitment and more control over what I do.

According to some anthropological theories, we still operate as if we were cave men and women to some extent. Prehistoric women may have had a cave where she stayed safe and raised her children. Perhaps she wanted to attract a bear hunter who would bring her meat and help protect her and the cave. She was on the look out for a reliable and loyal bear hunter – which equals a commitment. The bear hunter on the other hand, may have had the biological impulse to spread his seed to different women and thus ensure the most possible offspring. To achieve his goal, he might wish to have more than one cave woman – which equals lack of commitment. Read more…

Have you ever had a relationship or job that drained your confidence? I just left a relationship that sucked the swagger right out of me and I couldn’t take it any longer.  It’s been a little over a month and I am getting my swagger back!  I wanted to share some thoughts on what has been helpful to me during this time in my life. If you’re going through some life changes, maybe this will help you too:

1.  Make the Change

When you begin to realize that a relationship, friendship, class, job or other situation is hurting your confidence, the first thing to do is pause and be aware.  Are you often tired or low on energy?  It may be because some part of your life is draining you.  Is there something you need to change to regain your confidence?

The weather had been so hot and dry where I live in the last month. I frequently felt rung out, like I would never feel better again.  I realized that in addition to the weather, my relationship with my significant other was making me feel dry, empty, and anxious too. Over the last few months, I’d come to realize that the patterns we had developed in our relationship were allowing him to act out and me to be his caretaker.  After lots of thought, I began to make my boundaries clear. He was not at all open to me saying what I needed, so I eventually ended the relationship.

It hasn’t been easy. There have been some anxious and scary moments, but I stood my ground.

2.  Radical Self-Care

After I broke off the relationship, I realized that I needed to really care for myself. I went to see Shari at the Earth and Spirit Gallery in Taos, NM.  She made some lovely coconut oil, rosemary, and lavender mix that I could put on my hair to help ease the dryness and make me feel nurtured. I went home, put the mixture on my hair and took a nap in front of the swamp cooler.  When I woke up I felt so refreshed. Although I didn’t feel quite back to my regular self, I could imagine that I might someday feel whole again.

Shari also made up the Swagger Body Products! Check it out here if you’re interested in purchasing some for yourself!  Because it is full of ginger, lemon, bergamot, and ylang-ylang, the smell is very invigorating. I spray some on every morning to help rev me up for any challenges I might encounter in my day.

What does radical self-care mean to you? Rest, exercise, good food, time alone, being in nature and nurturing yourself with aromatherapy are good places to start.

3.  Find Your Support System

My friends have been so supportive of me, as I struggled to make sense of the situation and to make the change. I’ve also sought out counselors and other professionals to help me understand and respond appropriately to the situation. My health care provider is a certified nurse practitioner. When I went for my annual physical, I described what I had been going through and she was so empathetic and helped me figure out how to care for myself.  My puppy, although not always well-behaved, is a constant source of laughter and love for me.

Where can you find support? Do you have friends or family who are there for you? There are many organizations in your community that support women leaving relationships, especially if the partner has exhibited controlling or violent behaviors. Call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or check out this website. You can also look for support groups on Facebook and Twitter.

4.  Rituals of Healing

As you make important changes with the support of your network and begin to take care of yourself, you may find that you are ready for the next step…healing. Seek individual counseling or reading books about your situation can help provide perspective and release from the past. Healing your heart can be more difficult. Many women observe the cycles of the moon, planting seeds of intention at the new moon and looking for illumination and fulfillment at the full moon. Others meditate or seek the support of spiritual leaders or peers in their faith. You may want to have a Tarot card reading which allows your own inner wisdom and knowing to emerge. What healing ritual might allow you to release the past and move forward?

5.  Remember What You Love

Although I feel sad at times, I’ve been happy to have time back to do the things I love. For me, that is reading; mostly poetry, fiction, non-fiction.  It is also writing, especially poetry and stories that allow me to express and integrate my feelings.  I find that writing in any form brings insight and peace for me.

Is there something that you’ve put on hold because you’ve been too busy with a relationship or job? What can you do with more time?

6.  Be Open

As you begin to re-emerge from a difficult place or time in your life, you may find that your mind clears and you have more energy. You might use that energy to volunteer to clean up a park, help at your child’s school or at your church.  As you re-engage in your life, don’t be surprised if someone notices your renewed presence and smiles at you in a way that reminds you that you are attractive and desirable and full of swagger!

Want more information on Swagger Body Products: click here for more information.

Once you tell yourself the truth, it is a lot easier to say it to everyone else.

M. Dickson

Is it OK to excuse yourself from a relationship that is toxic for you, even if that relationship is with a family member? M. Dickson says – yes. “Being able to say that this relationship is bad for me and I don’t want to be here and then removing yourself is an important lesson. It is not about right or wrong; it’s more about your own mental health.”

On May 15, M. Dickson’s new book dear dad, it’s over will be released by Wyatt-MacKenzie Publishing.  The book tells the story of M.’s struggle to come to terms with the relationship with her father, which began to fall apart when her parents divorced. With a clear-eye and a straightforward approach, M. recounts the many times that her dad let her down for more than 20 years. Although M.’s tone is even and factual, the reader will find themselves emotionally involved, as she tells about disappointment after disappointment, including times when her father actually put her in danger. Once, he let her stay alone at the airport overnight and often his actions resulted in uncomfortable and vulnerable situations for a young M.

At the age of 26, M. made the decision to stop being involved with her father. She says “I struggled with protecting my father.  But the book is about being honest. I had to put it out there. The book is not meant to be malicious, I see my faults as well.” Read more…

Healthy confidence is a teenage girl’s shield against the struggles and challenges of life. When teenage girls have high self-confidence, they are able to SUCCEED!  Ruby L. Taylor, M.S.W.

Confidence to Greatness is effective because women (and a man) tell the stories of their own struggles and failures with courage and candor. This collection of essays also focuses on how girls overcame obstacles to achieve their dreams. So often, young women find themselves in unsupportive or abusive homes or facing a teen pregnancy. The message of Confidence to Greatness is that none of these problems condemn a girl to failure. Although teenage girls are the intended audience for this book – I think the message that having self-confidence and dreaming big can create real success is important one for all of us.

The book includes a definition of self-worth by Barb Steinberg:

Self-worth is having confidence, believing in yourself, and liking yourself. Self-worth is knowing that it is because of WHO you are and not what you do that you are worthy. You are worthy of being alive; you are worthy of being liked/loved; and you are worthy of good things happening in your life.

We all need the reassurance that we are lovable and deserving of good relationships.  When you feel this way, the pressure of your girlfriends to smoke or drink means less. If you have high self-esteem, you don’t cave in to your boyfriend’s insistence on  having sex when you are not ready.

In addition to the essays, the book has a quiz to help you determine your current self-worth and also a series of priceless actions to take including healing, acknowledging your own value,  appreciating failure, locating your riches, pushing, volunteering and cheering for yourself.

Know a teenage girl who could use a self-worth guide?  Go to www.confidencetogreatness.org or order the book here: http://www.payloadz.com/go/jump?id=1598623&aff_id=3441474.

March is Women’s History Month.  Youth activist Shalee Forney is honoring 31 women and their organizations.  Today Cindy Brown and The Girl’s Guide to Swagger is being honored – take a look at the post! While you are there – read about the many women working to improve the lives of girls and  make the world a better place for all people: http://shaleeforney.com/.  Congratulations to Shalee for undertaking this ambitious and inspiring project!

Are you in a healthy relationship?  How can you tell?  That was the topic at the February 22 meeting of the Red Tent Club at Centauras High School.  Cindy from The Girl’s Guide to Swagger joined the meeting to share her ideas on healthy relationships.

Some key points:

In a healthy relationship:

- you are respected; your opinions are valued

-your goals are supported and you have a right to your own feelings, friends, and actions

-communication is open and your voice is heard.

In an unhealthy relationship:

-you may be intimidated or threatened

-your partner may limit your involvement with friends and family and check on what you do and who you see.

The girls of the Red Tent Club all had examples to share of when they had witnessed and been involved in both healthy and not-so-healthy relationships.  We talked about how confidence and swagger can help you feel enough self-esteem to recognize a bad relationship and know you deserve better.

February is Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month – did you know that in a recent survey 10% of the adolescents reported being the victim of physical violence from a partner in the previous year? Friends and families can help to recognize the signs that their teen is involved in an unhealthy or violent relationship – take a look at  www.loveisnotabuse.org  for more information.

The girls at Centauras also had stories of where they found their swagger. For some of the girls – sports was the place they felt the most confident – including swimming and boxing. Some of the girls felt best around their close friends who support and love them. For others – books and learning give them the opportunity to be who they are and show what they can do.

The Red Tent Clubs meet at Boulder CO and surrounding community high schools. The girls come to find fun support and maintain confidentiality, so that each person is free to speak honestly.  Every group has an outstanding college age student leader and a teacher sponsor that help to organize meaningful programs. The clubs were started by the Liz Oster and her non-profit Courage is Change – take a look at their great work at http://www.courageischange.org/. You can also view the moving story of their newest partner The TONI Connection at http://t.co/ALgPidqp.

Thanks to BPD Central and Malinda Williams of Community Against Violence of Taos NM for their articles on healthy relationships and dating violence.