Do you get mad? Many of us get the message when we are young that it is not OK to be angry – especially if you are a girl.  As with so many of the lessons that we learn as children, it takes us the rest of our lives to unlearn the lesson and realize that it is OK to get mad – actually, it is essential.

Although I am widely regarded as a woman of swagger, I too, feel like I should be nice and accommodating to others – especially men.  When I was growing up, I needed to accommodate my brother’s often grumpy moods.  My mother reminded me that it was important to do well in school, but that I shouldn’t make a big deal out of it, because it might intimidate boys.

Recently I found myself in a relationship in which my partner required lots of attention.  I tried and tried to give him the attention he needed. I gradually realized that he was still suffering from lack of love as a child and that no matter how much attention I gave him, it would never be enough – never.  It was amazing to me how long I continued to try to give him everything he needed, even when I knew I couldn’t.

A new puppy in my life proved the factor that caused the final blow up.  My partner resented any attention I gave to the new dog – including getting out of bed to let the dog out to pee. After a particularly hard discussion about the dog that included the hope that the dog might die from Parvo, I said “enough is enough” and hung up the phone.

All that time of trying to be nice and accommodating caught up with me in a single moment and I exploded.  Luckily the most dangerous weapon in my reach was a vacuum cleaner.  I put the puppy out and began vacuumming with all my might.  Soon, I realized I was saying out loud all the things I wanted to say to my partner for the last several months – and I wasn’t using my nicest voice or my most polite language any more.  Soon, my voice was as loud as the vacuum and I could feel myself on the verge of growling. Read more…

Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

If the first swagger tool is intuition http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1772 , the second one is centering.  Intuition is developing the ability to listen to the small, still voice inside yourself for wisdom and direction. But how can you hear that voice if you are rushed, off balance, and anxious?

Many times during a day, you might feel off-center – it is bound to happen.  Driving in heavy traffic, deadlines, a crying baby, and complaining spouse can push us off our center and cause us to act from fear, rather than inner wisdom. When we are in fear – we don’t feel our swagger and can lose touch with our self-esteem.

If you find yourself disconnected from your center and your swagger, here are a couple of things you can do:

1.  Get grounded:

* feel the ground under your feet

*feel your connection to the solid and nurturing earth

*take a deep breath.

2. Get centered:

*take a few deep breaths

*you can close your eyes or keep them opened – whatever keeps you most connected to the world

*feel into your length, feel your spine stretching and expanding – notice what you feel inside yourself – strain, pain, worry?

*feel into your width – feel the edges of your body, allow your awareness to expand out beyond yourself – what do you notice? Sometime I feel a tug at my back – like my angel wings emerging.

*feel your past – at your back is everything that has come before and brought you to this place – what do you see?

*look ahead – what is coming, what are you excited about, what is inviting you to the future?

I like to think of this poem by Hafiz:

The God Who Only Knows Four Words

Every

Child

Has known God,

Not the God of names,

Not the God of don’ts,

Not the God who ever does

Anything weird,

But the God who only knows four words

And keeps repeating them, saying:

“Come dance with Me.”

Come

Dance.                                                     -Hafiz

With thanks to somatic coach and wise woman extraordinaire Renee Gregorio and Strozzi Somatics http://www.strozziinstitute.com/about/history+and+mission.