Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

Are you in a healthy relationship?  How can you tell? Do you feel safe, valued, and supported?

According to BPD Central, healthy relationships include non-threatening behavior such as “talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.” Other signs are:

Respect

• Being emotionally affirming and understanding.

• Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support

• Supporting your partner’s goals in life.

• Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepting responsibility for self.

• Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.

• Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.

• Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

• Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.

• Making family decisions together.

Abusive relationships look the exact opposite of a healthy relationship:

Intimidation

• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.

• Smashing or destroying things.

• Destroying or confiscating your partner’s property.

• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

• Silent or overt raging.

• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

• Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse

• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.

• Calling your partner names.

• Playing mind games.

• Interrogating your partner.

• Harassing or intimidating your partner.

• “Checking up on” your partner’s activities or whereabouts.

• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or “jokes”.

• Making your partner feel guilty.

• Shaming your partner.
Using Isolation

• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.

• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.

• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.

• Using jealousy to justify your actions. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also
a core component of  Love  Addiction.)

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad.• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I
did it because you ______.)

• Saying your partner caused it.

To learn more – go to http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm .

Most communities have resources for those who fear abuse or trying to escape from it – here is a national reference http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm.

Many excellent non profit organizations are working to reduce dating and domestic violence including Courage to Change and their brother organization It Stops with Me.

Courage is Change, It Stops with Me, and Red Tent Club are efforts to stop violence and support young women. The aim of the Red Tent Club is to provide a space for young women to create community, to be accepted, to learn tolerance and to create healthy relationships with peers. Young women learn to find their voice, the power of intuition and to increase confidence in their abilities.

Web and social media addresses: www.courageischange.org, www.itstopswithme.org

I wish you only healthy, strong relationships!  But if you fear that you are in an abusive relationship – please reach out to a local organization for help!

Several years ago, at a time of an important transition – I was looking for a couple of pieces of inexpensive furniture.  At the local art co-op, I found a table with tall, spindly legs painted in delicate purple colors.  The tag on it said Walks Tall Table.  I liked the sound of it!  The name made me feel better.  When I opened the drawer – I saw this message – Live Your Dreams, Love Your Life.

At that moment, I was thinking of leaving my partner.  The relationship had become abusive.  I was afraid of what might happen if I left. But in that moment – looking at that message, I knew that I had to leave and I got the courage and confidence to do so.  The desk and I moved into an apartment and I started a new life.  It was hard and lonely and I was afraid many times, but that step led me toward living my dream of becoming a writer.

Are you facing challenges? What would your life look like if you were living your dreams?

Read more…