Eve Ensler

I had the privilege of seeing Eve Ensler kick off her latest book tour for In The Body of the World on Friday, April 26 in Santa Fe, New Mexico. Her absolute honesty about her own suffering through abuse and cancer  and the experiences of the women of the Congo roared through the historic Lensic Theater in such a way that no one could leave there untouched, asleep, still pretending that there is not horrific violence against women and girls in the world. I was inspired to fight harder, more honestly, more radically for the rights of women through the work of The Girl’s Guide to Swagger.

Ensler was sexually abused and beaten as a child.  As a result, she learned to emotionally leave her body so that she wouldn’t feel the pain. While she was writing The Vagina Monologues, she heard stories from women about their sexual experiences. “I wish I could say that the stories that I heard were about pleasure and satisfaction and desire and orgasm, but 99 percent of those stories were about women being abused, incested, raped, being forced to leave their vaginas disconnected, never knowing their vaginas,” said Ensler.  “That was the beginning of whole consciousness radicalization for me…I had no idea of the epidemic proportions of violence on this planet. It is like a hidden story.”

Ensler also said that women are fractured and cut off from ourselves by the trauma that they have experienced; that we are asleep. But rather than staying in this “semi-sleep,” Ensler woke up and came out fighting. She broke the taboo regarding talking about vaginas with her play The Vagina Monologues.

After she had been performing the play for awhile by herself, Ensler became restless. She wanted to do something more.

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Cole Parker, COO, teaching

If you haven’t heard, the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was reinstated and signed into law on March 7^th, just in time for International Women’s Day.  To find out more about the significance of this law, please click here.

So in celebration, we’d like to introduce you to a wonderful organization called Divas In Defense Inc., The company teaches a self-defense system to women and girls across the nation in order to empower them. Divas in Defense is unique in its own right however, because two of its main officers who started the program are actually men! A pair of brothers named Christopher Britto, the President and CEO of the company and Cole Parker, the Vice President and COO, decided to create this inspiring organization three years ago after a female pastor asked Britto to set up some self-defense classes for women enlisted in her church. After discussing the idea with his brother, Britto decided to take the idea a little further.

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Would you like to be able to recognize a controlling and possibly abusive person, before you get too involved with them? Or maybe you just don’t want to waste your time on someone who has completely different values that you do. It can be hard to see a potential partner clearly when you are in the breathless haze of falling in love or lust. Here are some suggestions from the swagger team and some information from experts in the field on how to tell if a new potential partner might be right for you and how to identify someone who might become controlling.

Swagger Screening tool

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Are you in a relationship with someone you love, but feel like you can’t do anything right? Maybe your partner is critical of you or is continually telling you that you are not doing enough for him.  He may try to control which of your friends you see and check on your whereabouts – to make sure you are OK, he says.  He is not violent, so he can’t be abusive – right?

In relationships, particularly between men and women, there are a surprising number of men who seek to control women so that they can better get their needs met. They may intimidate and verbally abuse their partners, without using physical violence, at least at first.

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Have you ever taken a deep breath and said the hard thing that needed to be said? Perhaps it was “no.” No to working at a job that was killing your spirit. No to a relationship that was making you shrink and squirm. No to a family role that was never you.

Any of these acts take tremendous personal courage. In situations where you fear being hurt verbally or physically or where you don’t want to hurt people you care about – taking action can be particularly difficult.

Recently I had to set boundaries in a personal relationship.  Although I liked the way the relationship began, it had become difficult and scary for me.  I had to say – “this is what I am willing to do” and “this is what I am NOT willing to do.”  I was nervous – my knees were shaking when I was talking, but I was able to clearly state my boundaries. What I had to say was not popular or immediately accepted.  But when I was done I felt so proud that I had the courage to say what I needed.

Eventually, I could see that the person I set the boundaries with had a new respect for me.  I was no longer at his mercy, playing by his rules. He seemed to hear what I had been trying to say – nicely – for the first time and realized he had been taking so many good things for granted.

When you are facing the need to set boundaries – here are some ways to get prepared:

1.  Center yourself in your strength:  take a deep breath, imagine someone who inspires you with her strength.

2. Prepare: think about what you will say – write it down. You may want to review your notes several times before you need to actually convey your thoughts, so that you can better remember what you want to say in a stressful situation.

3. Say it out loud:  to yourself or a trusted friend.  Get used to what you sound like being calm and firm. Eliminate any softening words or phrases – such as – “if it is OK with you” or “if you don’t mind” or “kinda/sort of/a little bit.”

4. Find a place you are comfortable for the conversation.

5. Square your shoulders, take a breath, feel your power and go for it!

I wish you great personal courage and new self-respect and swagger.

NOTE:  if you fear for your safety, please reach out to your local women’s anti-violence organization.  Not sure? Read here about healthy and abusive relationships – http://www.girlsguidetoswagger.com/?p=1596.

Are you in a healthy relationship?  How can you tell? Do you feel safe, valued, and supported?

According to BPD Central, healthy relationships include non-threatening behavior such as “talking and acting so that your partner feels safe and comfortable doing and saying things.” Other signs are:

Respect

• Being emotionally affirming and understanding.

• Valuing opinions.

Trust and Support

• Supporting your partner’s goals in life.

• Respecting your partner’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, activities and opinions.

Honesty and Accountability

• Accepting responsibility for self.

• Acknowledging past use of violence and / or emotionally abusive behavior, changing the behavior.

• Acknowledging infidelity, changing the behavior.

• Admitting being wrong when it is appropriate.

• Communicating openly and truthfully, acknowledging past abuse, seeking help for abusive relationship patterns.

Shared Responsibility

• Mutually agreeing on a fair distribution of work.

• Making family decisions together.

Abusive relationships look the exact opposite of a healthy relationship:

Intimidation

• Making your partner afraid by using looks, actions, gestures.

• Smashing or destroying things.

• Destroying or confiscating your partner’s property.

• Abusing pets as a display of power and control.

• Silent or overt raging.

• Displaying weapons or threatening their use.

• Making physical threats.

Using Emotional Abuse

• Making your partner feel bad about himself or herself.

• Calling your partner names.

• Playing mind games.

• Interrogating your partner.

• Harassing or intimidating your partner.

• “Checking up on” your partner’s activities or whereabouts.

• Humiliating your partner, weather through direct attacks or “jokes”.

• Making your partner feel guilty.

• Shaming your partner.
Using Isolation

• Limiting your partner’s outside involvement.

• Demanding your partner remain home when you are not with them.

• Cutting your partner off from prior friends, activities, and social interaction.

• Using jealousy to justify your actions. (Jealousy is the primary symptom of abusive relationships; it is also
a core component of  Love  Addiction.)

Minimizing, Denying and Blame Shifting

• Saying the abuse did not happen, or wasn’t that bad.• Shifting responsibility for your abusive behavior to your partner. (i.e: I
did it because you ______.)

• Saying your partner caused it.

To learn more – go to http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive_signs.htm .

Most communities have resources for those who fear abuse or trying to escape from it – here is a national reference http://www.ovw.usdoj.gov/domviolence.htm.

Many excellent non profit organizations are working to reduce dating and domestic violence including Courage to Change and their brother organization It Stops with Me.

Courage is Change, It Stops with Me, and Red Tent Club are efforts to stop violence and support young women. The aim of the Red Tent Club is to provide a space for young women to create community, to be accepted, to learn tolerance and to create healthy relationships with peers. Young women learn to find their voice, the power of intuition and to increase confidence in their abilities.

Web and social media addresses: www.courageischange.org, www.itstopswithme.org

I wish you only healthy, strong relationships!  But if you fear that you are in an abusive relationship – please reach out to a local organization for help!

Several years ago, at a time of an important transition – I was looking for a couple of pieces of inexpensive furniture.  At the local art co-op, I found a table with tall, spindly legs painted in delicate purple colors.  The tag on it said Walks Tall Table.  I liked the sound of it!  The name made me feel better.  When I opened the drawer – I saw this message – Live Your Dreams, Love Your Life.

At that moment, I was thinking of leaving my partner.  The relationship had become abusive.  I was afraid of what might happen if I left. But in that moment – looking at that message, I knew that I had to leave and I got the courage and confidence to do so.  The desk and I moved into an apartment and I started a new life.  It was hard and lonely and I was afraid many times, but that step led me toward living my dream of becoming a writer.

Are you facing challenges? What would your life look like if you were living your dreams?

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